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95 lines
4.9 KiB
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95 lines
4.9 KiB
Markdown
---
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layout: post
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comments: true
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title: "Feelings or what is left unsaid about Kotkan keskuskoulu"
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category: [english]
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tags: [irc, english]
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---
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*If you wanted to know about my current life situation, read something else
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as I have no life and this posts talks only about the haunting past.*
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Everyone probably knows that I haven't had very positive experience with
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any school, but now I try to bring some events to light from maybe
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seven years ago.
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There are three event that haunt me the most:
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* *I am just being at break like I am always, alone and without friends
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and I hear one of the bullies talking about me, "that jack pisses me off
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so much, always walking around in kuoma boots and his face is like ass
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of prey bird." After that I remember being in physics or chemitry lesson
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and crying and trying to get attention of teacher by writing everything
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very slowly, but failing and the only thing that happened was my
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handwriting looking better.*
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* *I don't remember the situation, I think it was a break, but someone from
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the same class said "I know why … is so weird, his grandfathers have had
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sex with monkeys.*
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* *I don't remember where it began, but one group of bullies took the habit
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of calling me as "ubitch". I don't know where they took that word as
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even I didn't know about being trans (Asperger's diagnose would also
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come later), but they had issue when I smiled, so I learned to not smile
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and that is still causing me issues to this day includin difficulties in
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voice training and potential [AvPD](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Avoidant_personality_disorder).
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The same group also did worse things that I don't want to talk about.*
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What was done? Different appointments with different people, including
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school social worker who quite directly said "there is no bullying in our
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school, you are scizhophrenic" (don't mind that school social workers
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aren't able to write dignosis) and psychologist who surprised me and my
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mother by knowing everything about my childhood and "just had to start from
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something (Asperger's syndrome).
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I ended up ending that school half year before it would have been over and
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at some point starting my long visits to psychiatrical hospital (which is
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horrible if you happen to be neuroatypial and part of
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Gender/Romantic/Sexual Minority or multiple of those, but that is for
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another post).
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There were also other issues that I remember, but I don't feel the same
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level of pain.
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* *One person never talked to me and had some issue with me and always got
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what they wanted ("I don't want to work with that"). Not that I wanted
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to work with them, but it would have been nice if anyone thought about
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asking my opinion.*
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* *On home economics lesson, I don't remember what was talked about, but
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I said for some reason that I like tuna over rye crisps and got response
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that it's "so poor" and it's unclear to this day what does price of food
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have to do with how does it taste.*
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* *There was … Suomalainen fanclub at Facebook and it was also reported to
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police, but no action was took as there was nothing offensive there. In
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the end offensive content got there, but it was removed in agreement
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when anti-bullying FB page with name "bully name bunny club" was
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removed.*
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* *I was also friends at some point with the person depending on how
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much friendship it is to perform Windows repair install and as
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reward get told that we couldn't be friends at school as their
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reputation would suffer. More bullying came...*
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* There was also a lot more that happened there, but I would probably write
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this forever if I wrote about everything and the things that are always
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on surface are already written.
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and as this is titled feelings, I should probably write about those too,
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not that there was anything new.
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* I seem to be always anxious, especially if anyone wants me to go outdoors
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alone and I am afraid of seeing someone from any school even if they
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didn't recognize me or did nothing, I have already seen people from there
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twice with both times mentally locking me down.
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* I am just horrible person, everyone hates me and no one is honest in any
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good thing they say to/about me.
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* I am just bothering everyone by being present in same space whether
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physical or online.
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* Most of time I feel I have no friends anywhere even if there are
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otherwise some IRC or IRL, it's just difficult for me to make/maintain
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friendships, but me being horrible person is nothing new anyway.
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* I wish that I had a partner, but it's impossible as I am just horrible
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person and autist (in bad way) and asexual (while most of rest of the
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world wants only sex) and trans (which is probably the worse as that
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translates to "has or has had a penis" and makes everyone misinterpred me
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as being male or being unable to think me as a girl). I don't sleep
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propery at nights thinking these things and I just cannot get out and
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as said Kymenlaakso is unable to help.
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