blog: feelings

_posts/2015-06-16-feelings.md

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+---
+layout: post
+comments: true
+title: "Feelings or what is left unsaid about Kotkan keskuskoulu"
+category: [english]
+tags: [irc, english]
+---
+
+*If you wanted to know about my current life situation, read something else
+ as I have no life and this posts talks only about the haunting past.*
+
+Everyone probably knows that I haven't had very positive experience with
+any school, but now I try to bring some events to light from maybe
+seven years ago.
+
+There are three event that haunt me the most:
+
+* *I am just being at break like I am always, alone and without friends
+   and I hear one of the bullies talking about me, "that jack pisses me off
+   so much, always walking around in kuoma boots and his face is like ass
+   of prey bird." After that I remember being in physics or chemitry lesson
+   and crying and trying to get attention of teacher by writing everything
+   very slowly, but failing and the only thing that happened was my
+   handwriting looking better.*
+* *I don't remember the situation, I think it was a break, but someone from
+   the same class said "I know why … is so weird, his grandfathers have had
+   sex with monkeys.*
+* *I don't remember where it began, but one group of bullies took the habit
+   of calling me as "ubitch". I don't know where they took that word as
+   even I didn't know about being trans (Asperger's diagnose would also
+   come later), but they had issue when I smiled, so I learned to not smile
+   and that is still causing me issues to this day includin difficulties in
+   voice training and potential [AvPD](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Avoidant_personality_disorder).
+   The same group also did worse things that I don't want to talk about.*
+
+What was done? Different appointments with different people, including
+school social worker who quite directly said "there is no bullying in our
+school, you are scizhophrenic" (don't mind that school social workers
+aren't able to write dignosis) and psychologist who surprised me and my
+mother by knowing everything about my childhood and "just had to start from
+something (Asperger's syndrome).
+
+I ended up ending that school half year before it would have been over and
+at some point starting my long visits to psychiatrical hospital (which is
+horrible if you happen to be neuroatypial and part of
+Gender/Romantic/Sexual Minority or multiple of those, but that is for
+another post).
+
+There were also other issues that I remember, but I don't feel the same
+level of pain.
+
+* *One person never talked to me and had some issue with me and always got
+   what they wanted ("I don't want to work with that"). Not that I wanted
+   to work with them, but it would have been nice if anyone thought about
+   asking my opinion.*
+* *On home economics lesson, I don't remember what was talked about, but
+   I said for some reason that I like tuna over rye crisps and got response
+   that it's "so poor" and it's unclear to this day what does price of food
+   have to do with how does it taste.*
+* *There was … Suomalainen fanclub at Facebook and it was also reported to
+   police, but no action was took as there was nothing offensive there. In
+   the end offensive content got there, but it was removed in agreement
+   when anti-bullying FB page with name "bully name bunny club" was
+   removed.*
+    * *I was also friends at some point with the person depending on how
+       much friendship it is to perform Windows repair install and as
+       reward get told that we couldn't be friends at school as their
+       reputation would suffer. More bullying came...*
+* There was also a lot more that happened there, but I would probably write
+  this forever if I wrote about everything and the things that are always
+  on surface are already written.
+
+and as this is titled feelings, I should probably write about those too,
+not that there was anything new.
+
+* I seem to be always anxious, especially if anyone wants me to go outdoors
+  alone and I am afraid of seeing someone from any school even if they
+  didn't recognize me or did nothing, I have already seen people from there
+  twice with both times mentally locking me down.
+* I am just horrible person, everyone hates me and no one is honest in any
+  good thing they say to/about me.
+* I am just bothering everyone by being present in same space whether
+  physical or online.
+* Most of time I feel I have no friends anywhere even if there are
+  otherwise some IRC or IRL, it's just difficult for me to make/maintain
+  friendships, but me being horrible person is nothing new anyway.
+* I wish that I had a partner, but it's impossible as I am just horrible
+  person and autist (in bad way) and asexual (while most of rest of the
+  world wants only sex) and trans (which is probably the worse as that
+  translates to "has or has had a penis" and makes everyone misinterpred me
+  as being male or being unable to think me as a girl). I don't sleep
+  propery at nights thinking these things and I just cannot get out and
+  as said Kymenlaakso is unable to help.
+