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Message to people who come from Finnish index: Tämä sivu käännetään suomeksi myöhemmin. Odottaessasi voit lukea tämän tiivistelmän: Minulla on Aspergerin oireyhtymä ja olen yrittänyt tappaa itseni ainakin kymmenen kertaa (olen jo seonnut laskuissa) johtuen eri syistä mukaanlukien koulukiusaaminen, transsukupuolisuus ja niistä johtuvat sekalaiset ahdistukset ja masennukset. Katso myös Wikipedian luettelo tunnetuista Autismin kirjon henkilöistä
What is put into the internet stays in the internet, so I am not going to remove this page.
What is Asperger’s syndrome?
Asperger syndrome (AS), also known as Asperger’s syndrome or Asperger disorder, is an autism spectrum disorder (ASD) that is characterized by significant difficulties in social interaction, alongside restricted and repetitive patterns of behavior and interests. It differs from other autism spectrum disorders by its relative preservation of linguistic and cognitive development. Although not required for diagnosis, physical clumsiness and atypical (peculiar, odd) use of language are frequently reported.
Remember that AS affects everyone differently. I might have feature which you don’t have, but you might have feature which I don’t have.
Cure for Asperger’s syndrome
There is no cure for AS and I agree with Luke Jackson with what he said about curing it in his book Freaks Geeks and Asperger’s syndrome.
“There seems to be no definite cause of autism and lots of people have different theories. Research is going on all around the world to find both the cause and a cure. This is a really controversial subject because lots of people (me included) think that looking for a cure for autism can be likened to Hitler trying to create an Aryan race.”
(I added the bolding to that quote.)
How it affects me
I cannot name everything immediately if I am asked, but some things are easy to notice.
First thing which people notice is probably that I speak only “book language”. Then they probably notice that I walk weirdly or that I don’t move my hands when I walk.
Another thing which they might notice is that I don’t look at eyes of other people when I talk to them. I used to force myself into doing that before I got enough depressed with school bullying to attempt suicide (which I have attempted three times and considered when I started writing this). I had read from one book that it’s mark of telling the truth (looking at eyes).
Then there is the fact that I am interested in computers, but I don’t play very much games and I don’t use Windows as my primary operating system and I can be thought as experienced Linux (Debian/Ubuntu) user.
Sensor issues
On music lessons and everywhere where there were loud music, the music is usually too loud for me
There were also popular toys which made horrible smell and they were always too much for my nose.
Bullying
Because of AS
Asperger’s syndrome can directly be used in bullying. As I seem weird (hate cursewords, don’t smoke nor drink alcohol), people at school have nice habit of thinking reasons to it. They have told that “I know why Mika is so weird. His ancestors have had sex with monkeys” and that I am retarded.
AS can probably be blamed for the reason of bullying that I only speak “book language” and I was called as “book language Mika” for first grades 1-3 (or something around that) as “book-language-Mika”. It also happened on grades 7-9 (junior high school in Finnish school system).
I was also bullied because of my clumsiness which could be seen in not being good in P.E. and weird walking style.
Which might not be related to AS.
There was a Facebook group called “Mika Suomalainen fanclub”. Its description wanted everyone who knew me to join that group.
I told about it to one teacher, but nobody was able to do anything. My mother told about it to police, but they weren’t able to do anything, because there were no offensive content.
That group was only joined by bullies and the offensive content appeared shortly before the group was removevd.
There was also another group which was about the bully called (Bully Name bunny club) created by some friend of friend of my mother, but the bully didn’t care about it as much as I.
On my current school (vocational school, it’s after junior high school in Finnish school system) it seems like people thought that my sexuality isn’t correct (I am not interested in sexuality) and they decided to fix that. How? They told me “Mika, look, here is Ubuntu” (Ubuntu is the most popular Linux distribution in the world which I used before Debian and which I am still using) and then showed me porn on their phones.
When I was at psychiatrical hospital for the second time (after publishing suicidal version of this page and failing fourth suicide attempt) there was one bully at the hospital and I heard an interesting story about this bullying method from another person there who had been told about it by the bully.
He told me that they had shown you porn and you had left running and screaming “no more. He also said that when you are talking with teachers, you only look at ground.”
What makes this interesting is that neither the bully nor the person who told me about this knew that I think it as bullying before I told that person who told me. The real version is that they shouted me to look here is Ubuntu as I told previously and after noticing what it was in reality I left walking normally with normal face and went in front of class room where the next lesson was starting shortly.
As far as looking at ground is conserned, it’s still AS feature to not look at other people in the eyes. I’m not sure about looking at ground, because I usually look at wall or computer or somewhere behind the person whom I am talking to.
It was also fun to play music loudly near my ears because I had to cover my ears with my hands when that happened.
People also seem to have need for coming to talk to me when I don’t want to talk with anyone. They just come to talk without anything to talk about “Hi Mika, how are you” etc. There are many other things too which I consider as bullying and that people don’t even notice that I don’t like.
There are many other ways which I was bullied too, but these are the ones which bother me most.
Even if there isn’t bullying right now, it will begin again tomorrow or day after tomorrow or next week or in the near future.
Depression
Risk of depression is usually part of Asperger’s syndrome. My depression has caused me to try committing suicide four times, end junior high school before it ended, spend some months in psyciathrical hospital (two times but the second stay is only two weeks) (I don’t recommend it thought it was the first place to give correct information about AS and where I started seriously considering that I had it, youth policlinic told me that I had ADHD and skizophreny in addition to AS, but at psychiatrical hospital they were sure that I don’t have either).
Medicines / Sertralin Orion / Venlavaxin Orion / Risperidon orion
I have used Sertlarin Orion which I recommend everyone to stay away. It did something strange to my feelings so they didn’t even feel like mine.
After Sertlarin Orion I got many side effects, but I was told that they weren’t side effects. They were “effect of something that I am hiding that bothers me” (transsexuality even thought it felt like transgenderism that time). Then Venlafaxin Orion was started and I was told that I should use it for five years and then we can think about other medicines. Venlafaxin Orion was dropped as useless for me after some time.
While I still had Venlafaxin Orion, Risperidon Orion was started, but it didn’t have any effect and was dropped at the same time as Venlafaxin Orion.
Nobody beliebed me when I said that according to researches some medicines might not work for me like they should, becausse of Aspergers syndrome. It seems that I was right and it took three medicines and almost two years to see it.
Sleeping problems
Usually problems with sleep are part of AS. I have this problem too with falling asleep.
I think that this is because AS people are very interested about something (in my case computers :)) and they think about that something a lot. If you think something interesting you fall asleep slower.
Melatonin is said to help with this and it seems to help me a little.
According to Finnish Wikipedia Melatonin helps children with AS fall asleep by average of 18 minutes. It also tells that the results had differences with each person and that melatonin increases discontinuity of sleep.
Why did I type this?
I originally typed this page to announce my suicide and I expected people to use this page against me, but it they didn’t (even if comments are open for hate messages which I am still waiting). Now I am keeping this page just because I already published it. See also the bolded notice on top of this page.
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