mikaela.github.io/_posts/2015-03-25-leaving-bots-life.md

Today I decided to leave all communities that had anything to do with bots, mainly because of the Limnoria channels.

If you have followed Limnoria’s channels for longer time, you know how it has gotten less tolerant of discussions that are not related to Limnoria. It started escalating today as #freenode had discussions on issues with freenode’s staffers and while one issue was resolved, @ncoevoet decided that it’s best that they leave the channel as they are “unwanted”.

Below is the problematic part of discussion from 2015-02-13:

[21:43:36] <niko> Mikaela: maybe there is more suitable channels for that than here
[21:46:37] <Mikaela> niko: for what?
[21:48:34] <niko> most of us are here for supybot/limnoria support etc, could you use another channel for your gender problem ?  
[21:49:41] <Mikaela> our CoC has always allowed offtopic talking and this is the channel where I was always open even before I came out. There aren't also active support questions at the moment. You can find the link in ,,(topic get 1)
[21:49:43] <Limnoria> Help with using and developing for Limnoria, please see our CoC http://git.io/rh363Q
[21:50:04] <Mikaela> true, most of that has moved to ##abgilpqt+ after it was founded and this stopped being the nice channel of ~5 people

Today it was nicely told me that it’s not offtopic that is the issue, but it’s “my ranting” or in other words, me as I am not neurotypical or cis or anything else that is wanted feature there. Link to the CoC of that time.

I cannot read it any other way than that I am not wanted to the channel and no matter how many people I have helped, my issues are bigger issue than the good that I might have done.

A little on my life currently

TRIGGER WARNING: suicide, school bullying

I am 19 years old trans woman who also has Asperger’s syndrome studying for vocational qualification in business information technology or would be studying if there wasn’t one “small bullying issue.” I haven’t been at Etelä-Kymenlaakso vocational college for month and more.

It started some time ago when I went there and it was mainly in three events on different days:

• Coming from school canteen someone said “hi Mikaela, you are beautiful” in one boy group where I have no idea who said it or who they even are.
• Going to school canteen someone of the same group said “hi” and I replied “hi” and I got third reply imitating my horrible masculine voice.
• The last time going to school canteen I went to nearby bathroom to <if I understood correctly, trans people do so horrible things in bahtroom that I cannot write it here :P> and I heard my name being shouted there multiple times. When I leeft it and went to canteen, I just ignored them and went to canteen normally and heard them shouting after me “ONKO SULLA MUNAT!” which in spoken (Finnish) language translates to “DO YOU HAVE TESTICLES?”.

I informed this to school social worker and two teachers, but then I learned that the school is unable to do anything as I have no idea who the people are (what class or names). I was one day away and on then went back for some time and got more and more anxious and stressful on what if I saw the people somewhere or if they walke to canteen using the side door that I had been using. Since then I have been unable to go anywhere near Hamina.

There was one exception where I had scheduler appointment with the school social worker and I went there with my mother, but the school social worker was away with label on the door saying “if you had scheduled appointment, please contact me using Wilma (place to message teachers etc.)” so we wasted time 50 minutes per trip from Kotka to Hamina and Hamina to Kotka.

---

I would graduate in summer without this issue and the only thing I have missing is work training. As I don’t have work training place I was doing it at school with some other students until the bullying started.

The work training didn’t went too well as it felt like it was as far from real work environment as possible, teacher giving some tasks that are done in maybe 15 minutes and rest of time other people just playing games and drinking energy drinks.

There is also another issue, me being scared of real work environment, but nothing can be done to it now and the fear will just be moved to trouble either my next school that I have thought to be KyUAS (but it seems likely that I will try to get to [Helsinki] or [Jyväsykylä] and study there as people have offered to help me find apartment either from there) or anywhere where I will work in the future if I ever will.

The school also offered to also give remote tasks, but it was too late and I don’t feel like I can do anything anymore as the school hasn’t done anything to help the situation.

How does this affect me? As people say, bullying leaves eternal scars and I am not someone who could stay away from school just for fun, I have talked about suicide daily and I have also just been talked out of it for the second time in two days. I don’t believe I can live like this forever.