Mikaela Suomalainen
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This breaks some links which can be fixed later if they don't fix themselves. Closes #123
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A little confusing flood of what my fingers brought up on the last past year and a little more.
CONTENT WARNINGs: NSFW, genitalia, surgery descriptions
I don’t have any well-laid plan how to type this post, but lets see what comes out of my fingers. By the way, orchiectomy is surgical removal of testicles, even if it’s fun to talk about it without explaining it and have people searxing what it is…
I don’t usually discuss my genitalia, but I feel like I have to make an exception for this post as the majority of trans people only talk about the full genital surgery (“gender-reassignment surgery”, but I tend to take the Finnish word and translate it into English, many people don’t know that orchiectomy is an option.
Dear reader, for this part of this post I am assuming that you are trans as I am typing this for you in hope that it will help you, not for anyone reading this only, because they are curious on what I have between my legs or what trans people have between their legs.
First question would probably be how did I end up to orchiectomy instead of the full genital surgery.
If you have been reading this blog, you know that I was having very bad time mentally suffering from depression, AvPD (it was confirmed and I healed, but that later in this post), anxiety and everything. Thus everyone thought that I wouldn’t have mental resources for the full genital surgery.
If I recall correctly, I was complaining about this at Transtukipiste (Trans support point, runs peer support groups and supports trans people otherwise) coffee evening and somehow I ended up wondering if I should try getting orchiectomy and someone encouraged me to ask. Could this have even been the last day of 2015…
Knowing that orchiectomy doesn’t prevent having full genital surgery later (confirm from your doctor though, I only know this is the case in Finland as long as you repeat to your doctor that you want to keep the option open), I asked about the doctor who asked my therapist and (as this post is not about the process) skipping things a little, I finally got permission for it.
At some point before the surgery I started sleeping naked and started becoming very comfortable with my body and I started feeling that I might be happy with just orchiectomy, but I decided that I would think about it after the surgery if I started feeling like it.
Same content warnings, except that only now is actually the surgery.
On evening of October 17th I took the last Androcur. It’s the male-hormone blocker that all trans people are prescribed in Finland by default and the medicine that appears to make almost everyone depressed and I was using half-dosage as it’s strong and if you have read my old posts, you have some kind of image on how much I suffered it.
On the next morning I was at Peijas hospital and had the orchiectomy. I remember being there long time before the appointment and getting a little lost inside the hospital, but when I found there, everything happened easily and I spend there only a few hours. And there was no depression anymore.
The recovery period should have been two weeks, but the wound opened so it took a little longer, but that isn’t what this post is about either.
What this post is about is how I feel.
I have finished the trans process. I have a penis and empty testicle sack that has decided to rise up so I don’t even see it in the mirror.
I don’t feel dysphoria or have any issues looking at my own body, no discomfort or anything, I am me. I transitioned for me, not other people and if my genitalia is something people don’t expect, that isn’t my problem.
I can use dirtier toilets easily as I don’t have to sit down, it doesn’t necessary even have to be a toilet and in case there is a long queue, I can also use urinal if I need to.
Public saunas and changing areas etc.? I am a woman regardless of what people may think about my body parts which aren’t their business. I haven’t yet visited any of those, but as I said whatever people think isn’t my problem. I actually even have a temptation to visit such areas, just because my body is “sinful” and everything, according to whatever you wish to call cis beauty standards.
How do I know that I don’t need the full genital surgery? I haven’t even thought about it recently and I have no feelings of wrongness or thoughts or anything pointing that I would need it. I even sometimes forget that I am not cis or that my body isn’t “normal”. Normal doesn’t exist by the way.
Trans people are also often worried about erections, based on my experience and what I have heard, I think it depends entirely on your relationship with your body. I have them sometimes as I am a human and asexuality doesn’t close them out.
I feel indifferent about them, but that might be connected to me being asexual or also being sex-repulsed which to me means that I feel repulsed seeing erections or bodily fluids.
Should I content warning about Esperanto?
After the surgery I have heard that people often have crisis on what to do after transition. I solved that by becoming insane :D
I read about Esperanto, which is the most spoken artificial language in the world and then I just had to learn it. I did Duolingo and associated Memrise course for three months … kaj mi parolas Esperanton!
Thanks to online-friend I also happened to read about Buddhism and it made a lot more sense than Christianity that was forced on me ever did. It’s more on experiencing things than believing blindly and even Buddha said don’t believe me, experience it by yourself and I started trying to use their methods (you may have heard Mindfulness) or maybe it would be more accurate to say that I started practicing it.
If individuality is an illusion, how could I be worse than everyone else? If past and future aren’t here now and I am finally “given” the permission to let go of them, why should I be stuck in the past? And the future won’t be like I think so why be stuck in imaginary future on my worseness?
The books I read are How To Be An Adult in Relationships by David Richo (thanks to attachment styles - a primer at the dirty normal which recommends a different book with similar name, so happy accident happened), The Way Things Are by Lama Ole Nydahl and Living Dharma by Lama Yeshe Losaf. I am also reading more books about the subject, those were about Diamond Way Buddhism and now I am reading about Zen (Everyday Zen by Charlotte Joko Beck (this seems to be for Zen what Living Dharma is for Diamond Way.)
No one is perfect, including you, everyone makes mistake.
Everyone is as capable to hurting you as making you good.
So I have learned Esperanto and according to my mother mi diras Esperanto duono de tempo and came to religion, can I be more crazy?
Esperanto gave me self-esteem with my capability of learning languages so I started learning
- Swedish, which I regret not learning at junior high school, but I had dysphoria, bullying, suicidality, depression and everything and I think I hear it in Helsinki daily and it’s also official language in Finland.
- Spanish as mi amas Esperanton, it looks so much like Esperanto so I feel I almost understand everything written in it and it’s the second most spoken language in the world, so I have to learn it.
- Lojban thanks to the friend mentioned earlier.
Do mi nun parolas la finnan, la anglan, Esperanton kaj mi lernas hispanan, la svennan kaj la lojbanon. Entirely sane.
And life otherwise, I haven’t gotten to continue studying yet, which I think was mentioned as a goal in the other posts, but I just wasn’t able to. I have applied to four places and I think I failed one entrance examination, but that is three left.
I was also local election candidate for Helsinki Pirates (part of Pirate Party Finland) and I got surprisingly many votes (20 IIRC) and collective votes helped us get one candidate through to the Helsinki municipal council and we also got some other seats and backup seats.
I think I have finished typing this blog post now. However I was supposed to start this with an apology about some of my old blog posts (which I am not censoring as I don’t feel like that would be the right thing either), so I apologise about them now. I don’t know if the text says it, but I feel like I have improved as a person a lot in addition to getting over mental health issues and finishing the trans process.