mikaela.github.io/blog/_posts/2015-03-25-leaving-bots-life.md

---
layout: post
comments: true
title: "Little on my life currently"
category: [english]
tags: [irc, english, life]
redirect_from: /english/2015/03/25/leaving-bots-life.html
---

## A little on my life currently

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**TRIGGER WARNING: suicide, school bullying, transphobia**

I am 19 years old trans woman who also has Asperger's syndrome
studying <s>for vocational qualification in business information
technology</s> or would be studying if there wasn't one "small bullying
issue." I haven't been at
[Etelä-Kymenlaakso vocational college](https://ekami.fi/in-english) for
month and more.

It started some time ago when I went there and it was mainly in three
events on different days:

- Coming from school canteen someone said "hi Mikaela, you are beautiful"
  in one boy group where I have no idea who said it or who they even are.
- Going to school canteen someone of the same group said "hi" and I replied
  "hi" and I got third reply imitating my horrible masculine voice.
- The last time going to school canteen I went to nearby bathroom to
  \<if I understood correctly, trans people do so horrible things in
  bahtroom that I cannot write it here :P\> and I heard my name being
  shouted there multiple times. When I leeft it and went to canteen, I
  just ignored them and went to canteen normally and heard them shouting
  after me "ONKO SULLA MUNAT!" which in spoken (Finnish) language
  translates to "DO YOU HAVE TESTICLES?".

I informed this to school social worker and two teachers, but then I
learned that the school is unable to do anything as I have no idea who
the people are (what class or names). I was one day away and on then went
back for some time and got more and more anxious and stressful on what
if I saw the people somewhere or if they walke to canteen using the side
door that I had been using. Since then I have been unable to go anywhere
near Hamina.

There was one exception where I had scheduler appointment with the school
social worker and I went there with my mother, but the school social
worker was away with label on the door saying "if you had scheduled
appointment, please contact me using Wilma (place to message teachers
etc.)" so we wasted time 50 minutes per trip from [Kotka] to [Hamina] and
[Hamina] to [Kotka].

[kotka]: https://www.kotka.fi/en/residents
[hamina]: https://hamina.fi/en/

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_Update:
[I graduated on 2015-05-29.]({% post_url blog/2015-05-29-graduation %})_

I would graduate in summer without this issue and the only thing I have
missing is work training. As I don't have work training place I was doing
it at school with some other students until the bullying started.

The work training didn't went too well as it felt like it was as far
from real work environment as possible, teacher giving some tasks that are
done in maybe 15 minutes and rest of time other people just playing games
and drinking energy drinks.

There is also another issue, me being scared of real work environment, but
nothing can be done to it now and the fear will just be moved to trouble
either my next school that I have thought to be
[KyUAS](https://www.kyamk.fi/Frontpage) (but it seems likely that I will
try to get to [Helsinki] or [Jyväskylä] and study there as people have
offered to help me find apartment either from there) or anywhere where I
will work in the future if I ever will.

[helsinki]: https://www.hel.fi/www/helsinki/en
[jyväskylä]: https://www.hel.fi/www/helsinki/en

The school also offered to also give remote tasks, but it was too late and
I don't feel like I can do anything anymore as the school hasn't done
anything to help the situation.

How does this affect me? As people say, bullying leaves eternal scars and I
am not someone who could stay away from school just for fun, I have talked
about suicide daily and I have also just been talked out of it for the
second time in two days. I don't believe I can live like this forever.

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