118 lines
5.6 KiB
Markdown
118 lines
5.6 KiB
Markdown
---
|
|
layout: post
|
|
comments: true
|
|
title: "A little more on my life & background on bots"
|
|
category: [english]
|
|
tags: [english, IRC, life, bots, love]
|
|
---
|
|
|
|
*More on my life and a little background on bots; also trigger warning
|
|
about probably everything...*
|
|
|
|
Start with the [previous post on the subject]({% post_url 2015-03-25-leaving-bots-life %})...
|
|
|
|
*Update:
|
|
[I graduated on 2015-05-29.]({% post_url 2015-05-29-graduation %})*
|
|
|
|
So I have been away from school for months now and the fact that I won't
|
|
graduate seems very sure. I haven't left home unless I have had too either
|
|
and after today I might leave home even then.
|
|
|
|
I don't remember last week so well, so probably nothing happened, I was
|
|
away from home for two events at Helsinki which is tiring as the bus
|
|
trip from Kotka-Helsinki is two hours, rest of the week I was at home
|
|
with the exception of visiting cottage and replacing elorn (Banana Pi which
|
|
didn't like upgrade from Bananian Wheezy to Bananian Jessie) with rbtpzn
|
|
(a little better system, Raspberry Pi B+ running Arch Linux ARM), I don't
|
|
remember what else happened.
|
|
|
|
I have also been anxious too much for being healthy and I have talked about
|
|
suicide probably daily. Last night Doctor [Google] also suggested
|
|
[Avoidant personality disorder] and I am waiting for seeing "mental
|
|
health professional" again and asking if that is possible.
|
|
|
|
[Google]:https://encrypted.google.com/
|
|
[Avoidant personality disorder]:https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Avoidant_personality_disorder
|
|
|
|
And back to today, I had possibly my worst bus trip between Kotka and
|
|
Helsinki. First there was bully from previous school and even if they
|
|
didn't do anything, just seeing is enough to trigger heavy anxiety to me.
|
|
<br/>Then there were two people sitting in front of me at the bus, small
|
|
child and one adult. The child kept making loud noice for most of the trip
|
|
and at some point dropped whatever the thing is on bus seats behind your
|
|
head to me and only stared.<br/>
|
|
I was too anxious even without them, so I didn't tell the adult anything
|
|
and there wouldn't have been any use in that as they didn't care about
|
|
their behaviour anyway and it would have been my fault anyway for sitting
|
|
there or annoying them just for existing.
|
|
|
|
* * * * *
|
|
|
|
Then the bots and this is possibly the most triggering thing I am going to
|
|
write.
|
|
|
|
I got affiliated with Supybot around 2011, first trying the stock Supybot,
|
|
later Supybot git version, then gribble and finally Supybot-fr.
|
|
|
|
On [2011-02-14])http://echelog.com/logs/browse/supybot/1297638000)
|
|
@ProgVal asked me to translate it into Finnish and a little
|
|
later it became Limnoria. There were also Italian and Hungarian
|
|
translations at that time.
|
|
|
|
Then there was nothing special for longer time other than IRC support
|
|
and whatever you can find from the git history with the exception of
|
|
offtopic chat which was tolerated at \#Limnoria at the time it was founded.
|
|
|
|
I was depressed and suicidal (& dysphoric even if I didn't know the word at
|
|
that time) and was often talked out of it there and long
|
|
time later I learned who I was and came out as trans around 2013-10-22
|
|
(nick Mikaela registered at freenode) and later started HRT by myself
|
|
on 2013-12-30 and this is where what I am typing about begins...
|
|
|
|
After starting HRT, I started having other feelings than dysphoria,
|
|
anxiety, depression, suicidality etc. including romantic ones, on sexual
|
|
orientation side I just "switched" from aromantic to (demi)romantic
|
|
asexual.
|
|
|
|
The dates are more unclear for this point of time, but I fell in love to
|
|
@ProgVal and just kept it to myself for a long time. On 2014-03-20, I asked
|
|
them if they knew any ace channels I could wonder my feelings on and the
|
|
answer was negative and after further talking, we ended up founding
|
|
[##abgilpqt+ - a channel for everyone](https://abgilpqt.github.io/about/)
|
|
(which has had it's own share of drama, so I won't discuss it here).
|
|
|
|
At some point after that on one night we were talking again and I don't
|
|
remember what we were exactly talking about (and reading logs would hurt
|
|
far too much as you will learn later), and there was something I wasn't
|
|
willing to say as I thought that they would hate me after it (they will
|
|
hate me after this post, but I must open somewhere) and I said that I loved
|
|
them. They apologized for not loving me (who would ever love me anyway),
|
|
but within week on one night while I was sleeping I had gotten messages
|
|
that they said that they loved me and were stupid for not realizing it.
|
|
|
|
We were in long distance relationship for about year, dreaming about
|
|
meeting each other in real life, taling about everything every day,
|
|
but then I learned that they were in open relationship without telling me
|
|
and the other relationship was formed after our one.
|
|
|
|
I asked them about it and only got response that they didn't tell me about
|
|
it so I wouldn't cry, which I did and next day I was unable to rise from
|
|
bed and my fmily thought I had gotten influenza which my father had around
|
|
that time, but I was better on the next day.
|
|
|
|
That is not the definition of poly or open relationship, that is cheating
|
|
or betraying your partner. I am anxious while writing this and I am still
|
|
damaged by what they did and I don't know if I will ever fully heal from
|
|
that.
|
|
|
|
Some people might have heard that I have wondered if I was poly, it was
|
|
because I didn't want to lose them, but the feelings were already lost,
|
|
I was too broken and I am not poly and I won't ever be in relationship
|
|
with poly person again and I will also avoid long distance relationships.
|
|
I won't ever do that to another person and I won't let it happen to me
|
|
again.
|
|
|
|
If I was in poly relationship, the other party would just use it as excuse
|
|
to be as far from me as possible as anyone else is more beautiful or
|
|
intelligent or allosexual or anything.
|