mikaela.github.io/blog/_posts/2015-03-25-leaving-bots-life.md

---
layout: post
comments: true
title: "Little on my life currently"
category: [english]
tags: [irc, english, life]
redirect_from: /english/2015/03/25/leaving-bots-life.html
robots: noai
---

A little on my life currently

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**TRIGGER WARNING: suicide, school bullying, transphobia**

I am 19 years old trans woman who also has Asperger's syndrome studying <s>for
vocational qualification in business information technology</s> or would be
studying if there wasn't one "small bullying issue." I haven't been at
[Etelä-Kymenlaakso vocational college](https://ekami.fi/in-english) for month
and more.

It started some time ago when I went there and it was mainly in three events on
different days:

- Coming from school canteen someone said "hi Mikaela, you are beautiful" in one
  boy group where I have no idea who said it or who they even are.
- Going to school canteen someone of the same group said "hi" and I replied "hi"
  and I got third reply imitating my horrible masculine voice.
- The last time going to school canteen I went to nearby bathroom to \<if I
  understood correctly, trans people do so horrible things in bahtroom that I
  cannot write it here :P\> and I heard my name being shouted there multiple
  times. When I leeft it and went to canteen, I just ignored them and went to
  canteen normally and heard them shouting after me "ONKO SULLA MUNAT!" which in
  spoken (Finnish) language translates to "DO YOU HAVE TESTICLES?".

I informed this to school social worker and two teachers, but then I learned
that the school is unable to do anything as I have no idea who the people are
(what class or names). I was one day away and on then went back for some time
and got more and more anxious and stressful on what if I saw the people
somewhere or if they walke to canteen using the side door that I had been using.
Since then I have been unable to go anywhere near Hamina.

There was one exception where I had scheduler appointment with the school social
worker and I went there with my mother, but the school social worker was away
with label on the door saying "if you had scheduled appointment, please contact
me using Wilma (place to message teachers etc.)" so we wasted time 50 minutes
per trip from [Kotka] to [Hamina] and [Hamina] to [Kotka].

[kotka]: https://www.kotka.fi/en/residents
[hamina]: https://hamina.fi/en/

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_Update: [I graduated on 2015-05-29.]({% post_url blog/2015-05-29-graduation %})_

I would graduate in summer without this issue and the only thing I have missing
is work training. As I don't have work training place I was doing it at school
with some other students until the bullying started.

The work training didn't went too well as it felt like it was as far from real
work environment as possible, teacher giving some tasks that are done in maybe
15 minutes and rest of time other people just playing games and drinking energy
drinks.

There is also another issue, me being scared of real work environment, but
nothing can be done to it now and the fear will just be moved to trouble either
my next school that I have thought to be [KyUAS](https://www.kyamk.fi/Frontpage)
(but it seems likely that I will try to get to [Helsinki] or [Jyväskylä] and
study there as people have offered to help me find apartment either from there)
or anywhere where I will work in the future if I ever will.

[helsinki]: https://www.hel.fi/www/helsinki/en
[jyväskylä]: https://www.hel.fi/www/helsinki/en

The school also offered to also give remote tasks, but it was too late and I
don't feel like I can do anything anymore as the school hasn't done anything to
help the situation.

How does this affect me? As people say, bullying leaves eternal scars and I am
not someone who could stay away from school just for fun, I have talked about
suicide daily and I have also just been talked out of it for the second time in
two days. I don't believe I can live like this forever.

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