mikaela.github.io/blog/_posts/2017-04-30-post-trans.md

---
layout: post
comments: true
title: "Post trans process, orchiectomy"
category: [english]
tags: [english, life, buddhism]
redirect_from: /english/2017/04/30/post-trans.html
robots: noai
---

_A little confusing flood of what my fingers brought up on the last past year
and a little more._

---

**_CONTENT WARNINGs: NSFW, genitalia, surgery descriptions_**

I don't have any well-laid plan how to type this post, but lets see what comes
out of my fingers. By the way, orchiectomy is surgical removal of testicles,
even if it's fun to talk about it without explaining it and have people searxing
what it is...

I don't usually discuss my genitalia, but I feel like I have to make an
exception for this post as the majority of trans people only talk about the full
genital surgery ("gender-reassignment surgery", but I tend to take the Finnish
word and translate it into English, many people don't know that orchiectomy is
an option.

_Dear reader, for this part of this post I am assuming that you are trans as I
am typing this for you in hope that it will help you, not for anyone reading
this only, because they are curious on what I have between my legs or what trans
people have between their legs._

First question would probably be how did I end up to orchiectomy instead of the
full genital surgery.

If you have been reading this blog, you know that I was having very bad time
mentally suffering from depression, AvPD (it was confirmed and I healed, but
that later in this post), anxiety and everything. Thus everyone thought that I
wouldn't have mental resources for the full genital surgery.

If I recall correctly, I was complaining about this at
[Transtukipiste](https://transtukipiste.fi/in-english/) (Trans support point,
runs peer support groups and supports trans people otherwise) coffee evening and
somehow I ended up wondering if I should try getting orchiectomy and someone
encouraged me to ask. Could this have even been the last day of 2015...

Knowing that orchiectomy doesn't prevent having full genital surgery later
(confirm from your doctor though, I only know this is the case in Finland as
long as you repeat to your doctor that you want to keep the option open), I
asked about the doctor who asked my therapist and (as this post is not about the
process) skipping things a little, I finally got permission for it.

At some point before the surgery I started sleeping naked and started becoming
very comfortable with my body and I started feeling that I might be happy with
just orchiectomy, but I decided that I would think about it after the surgery if
I started feeling like it.

---

**_Same content warnings, except that only now is actually the surgery._**

On evening of October 17th I took the last Androcur. It's the male-hormone
blocker that all trans people are prescribed in Finland by default and the
medicine that appears to make almost everyone depressed and I was using
half-dosage as it's strong and if you have read my old posts, you have some kind
of image on how much I suffered it.

On the next morning I was at Peijas hospital and had the orchiectomy. I remember
being there long time before the appointment and getting a little lost inside
the hospital, but when I found there, everything happened easily and I spend
there only a few hours. And there was no depression anymore.

The recovery period should have been two weeks, but the wound opened so it took
a little longer, but that isn't what this post is about either.

---

What this post is about is how I feel.

I have finished the trans process. I have a penis and empty testicle sack that
has decided to rise up so I don't even see it in the mirror.

I don't feel dysphoria or have any issues looking at my own body, no discomfort
or anything, I am me. I transitioned for me, not other people and if my
genitalia is something people don't expect, that isn't my problem.

I can use dirtier toilets easily as I don't have to sit down, it doesn't
necessary even have to be a toilet and in case there is a long queue, I can also
use urinal if I need to.

Public saunas and changing areas etc.? I am a woman regardless of what people
may think about my body parts which aren't their business. I haven't yet visited
any of those, but as I said whatever people think isn't my problem. I actually
even have a temptation to visit such areas, just because my body is "sinful" and
everything, according to whatever you wish to call cis beauty standards.
<!-- This is possibly a little kinky. -->

How do I know that I don't need the full genital surgery? I haven't even thought
about it recently and I have no feelings of wrongness or thoughts or anything
pointing that I would need it. I even sometimes forget that I am not cis or that
my body isn't "normal". _Normal doesn't exist by the way._

Trans people are also often worried about erections, based on my experience and
what I have heard, I think it depends entirely on your relationship with your
body. I have them sometimes as I am a human and asexuality doesn't close them
out.

I feel indifferent about them, but that might be connected to me being asexual
or also being sex-repulsed which to me means that I feel repulsed seeing
erections or bodily fluids.

---

_Should I content warning about Esperanto?_

After the surgery I have heard that people often have crisis on what to do after
transition. I solved that by becoming insane :D

I read about Esperanto, which is the most spoken artificial language in the
world and then I just had to learn it. I did Duolingo and associated Memrise
course for three months ... <em lang="eo">kaj mi parolas Esperanton!</em>

Thanks to online-friend I also happened to read about Buddhism and it made a lot
more sense than Christianity that was forced on me ever did. It's more on
experiencing things than believing blindly and even Buddha said _don't believe
me, experience it by yourself_ and I started trying to use their methods (you
may have heard _Mindfulness_) or maybe it would be more accurate to say that I
started practicing it.

If individuality is an illusion, how could I be worse than everyone else? If
past and future aren't here _now_ and I am finally "given" the permission to let
go of them, why should I be stuck in the past? And the future won't be like I
think so why be stuck in imaginary future on my worseness?

The books I read are _How To Be An Adult in Relationships_ by _David Richo_
(thanks to
[attachment styles - a primer at the dirty normal](https://www.thedirtynormal.com/post/2010/06/21/attachment-styles-a-primer/)
which recommends a different book with similar name, so happy accident
happened), _The Way Things Are_ by _Lama Ole Nydahl_ and _Living Dharma_ by
_Lama Yeshe Losaf_. I am also reading more books about the subject, those were
about Diamond Way Buddhism and now I am reading about Zen (_Everyday Zen_ by
_Charlotte Joko Beck_ (this seems to be for Zen what _Living Dharma_ is for
Diamond Way.)

_No one is perfect, including you, everyone makes mistake._

_Everyone is as capable to hurting you as making you good._

So I have learned Esperanto and according to my mother <em lang="eo">mi diras
Esperanto duono de tempo</em> and came to religion, can I be more crazy?

Esperanto gave me self-esteem with my capability of learning languages so I
started learning

- Swedish, which I regret not learning at junior high school, but I had
  dysphoria, bullying, suicidality, depression and everything and I think I hear
  it in Helsinki daily and it's also official language in Finland.
- Spanish as <em lang="eo">mi amas Esperanton</em>, it looks so much like
  Esperanto so I feel I almost understand everything written in it and it's the
  second most spoken language in the world, so I have to learn it.
- Lojban thanks to the friend mentioned earlier.

<em lang="eo">Do mi nun parolas la finnan, la anglan, Esperanton kaj mi lernas
hispanan, la svennan kaj la lojbanon.</em> Entirely sane.

---

And life otherwise, I haven't gotten to continue studying yet, which I think was
mentioned as a goal in the other posts, but I just wasn't able to. I have
applied to four places and I think I failed one entrance examination, but that
is three left.

I was also local election candidate for Helsinki Pirates (part of Pirate Party
Finland) and I got surprisingly many votes (20 IIRC) and collective votes helped
us get one candidate through to the Helsinki municipal council and we also got
some other seats and backup seats.

I think I have finished typing this blog post now. However I was supposed to
start this with an apology about some of my old blog posts (which I am not
censoring as I don't feel like that would be the right thing either), so I
apologise about them now. I don't know if the text says it, but I feel like I
have improved as a person a lot in addition to getting over mental health issues
and finishing the trans process.