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Mikaela Suomalainen
d09ce30198
This breaks some links which can be fixed later if they don't fix themselves. Closes #123
187 lines
8.6 KiB
Markdown
187 lines
8.6 KiB
Markdown
---
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layout: post
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comments: true
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title: "Post trans process, orchiectomy"
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category: [english]
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tags: [english, life, buddhism]
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redirect_from: /english/2017/04/30/post-trans.html
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---
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*A little confusing flood of what my fingers brought up on the last past
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year and a little more.*
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* * * * *
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***CONTENT WARNINGs: NSFW, genitalia, surgery descriptions***
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I don't have any well-laid plan how to type this post, but lets see what
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comes out of my fingers. By the way, orchiectomy is surgical removal of
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testicles, even if it's fun to talk about it without explaining it and have
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people searxing what it is...
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I don't usually discuss my genitalia, but I feel like I have to make an
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exception for this post as the majority of trans people only talk about
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the full genital surgery ("gender-reassignment surgery", but I tend to take
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the Finnish word and translate it into English, many people don't know
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that orchiectomy is an option.
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*Dear reader, for this part of this post I am assuming that you are trans
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as I am typing this for you in hope that it will help you, not for anyone
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reading this only, because they are curious on what I have between my
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legs or what trans people have between their legs.*
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First question would probably be how did I end up to orchiectomy instead of
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the full genital surgery.
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If you have been reading this blog, you know that I was having very bad
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time mentally suffering from depression, AvPD (it was confirmed and I
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healed, but that later in this post), anxiety and everything. Thus everyone
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thought that I wouldn't have mental resources for the full genital surgery.
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If I recall correctly, I was complaining about this at [Transtukipiste](https://transtukipiste.fi/in-english/)
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(Trans support point, runs peer support groups and supports trans people
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otherwise) coffee evening and somehow I ended up wondering if I should
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try getting orchiectomy and someone encouraged me to ask. Could this have
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even been the last day of 2015...
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Knowing that orchiectomy doesn't prevent having full genital surgery later
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(confirm from your doctor though, I only know this is the case in Finland
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as long as you repeat to your doctor that you want to keep the option
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open), I asked about the doctor who asked my therapist and (as this post is
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not about the process) skipping things a little, I finally got permission
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for it.
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At some point before the surgery I started sleeping naked and started becoming very
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comfortable with my body and I started feeling that I might be happy with
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just orchiectomy, but I decided that I would think about it after the
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surgery if I started feeling like it.
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* * * * *
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***Same content warnings, except that only now is actually the surgery.***
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On evening of October 17th I took the last Androcur. It's the
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male-hormone blocker that all trans people are prescribed in Finland by
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default and the medicine that appears to make almost everyone depressed
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and I was using half-dosage as it's strong and if you have read my old
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posts, you have some kind of image on how much I suffered it.
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On the next morning I was at Peijas hospital and had the orchiectomy. I
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remember being there long time before the appointment and getting a little
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lost inside the hospital, but when I found there, everything happened
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easily and I spend there only a few hours. And there was no depression
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anymore.
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The recovery period should have been two weeks, but the wound opened so
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it took a little longer, but that isn't what this post is about either.
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* * * * *
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What this post is about is how I feel.
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I have finished the trans process. I have a penis and empty testicle sack
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that has decided to rise up so I don't even see it in the mirror.
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I don't feel dysphoria or have any issues looking at my own body, no
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discomfort or anything, I am me. I transitioned for me, not other
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people and if my genitalia is something people don't expect, that isn't
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my problem.
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I can use dirtier toilets easily as I don't have to sit down, it doesn't
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necessary even have to be a toilet and in case there is a long queue, I
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can also use urinal if I need to.
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Public saunas and changing areas etc.? I am a woman regardless of what
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people may think about my body parts which aren't their business. I haven't
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yet visited any of those, but as I said whatever people think isn't my
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problem. I actually even have a temptation to visit such areas, just
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because my body is "sinful" and everything, according to whatever you wish
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to call cis beauty standards. <!-- This is possibly a little kinky. -->
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How do I know that I don't need the full genital surgery? I haven't even
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thought about it recently and I have no feelings of wrongness or thoughts
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or anything pointing that I would need it. I even sometimes forget that
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I am not cis or that my body isn't "normal". *Normal doesn't exist by
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the way.*
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Trans people are also often worried about erections, based on my
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experience and what I have heard, I think it depends entirely on your
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relationship with your body. I have them sometimes as I am a human
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and asexuality doesn't close them out.
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I feel indifferent about them, but that might be connected to me
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being asexual or also being sex-repulsed which to me means that
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I feel repulsed seeing erections or bodily fluids.
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* * * * *
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*Should I content warning about Esperanto?*
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After the surgery I have heard that people often have crisis on what to do
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after transition. I solved that by becoming insane :D
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I read about Esperanto, which is the most spoken artificial language in
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the world and then I just had to learn it. I did Duolingo and associated
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Memrise course for three months ... *kaj mi parolas Esperanton!*
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Thanks to online-friend I also happened to read about Buddhism and it made
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a lot more sense than Christianity that was forced on me ever did. It's
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more on experiencing things than believing blindly and even Buddha said
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*don't believe me, experience it by yourself* and I started trying to
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use their methods (you may have heard *Mindfulness*) or maybe it would be
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more accurate to say that I started practicing it.
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If individuality is an illusion, how could I be worse than everyone else?
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If past and future aren't here *now* and I am finally "given" the
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permission to let go of them, why should I be stuck in the past? And the
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future won't be like I think so why be stuck in imaginary future on my
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worseness?
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The books I read are *How To Be An Adult in Relationships* by
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*David Richo* (thanks to [attachment styles - a primer at the dirty normal](https://www.thedirtynormal.com/blog/2010/06/21/attachment-styles-a-primer/)
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which recommends a different book with similar name, so happy accident
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happened), *The Way Things Are* by *Lama Ole Nydahl* and *Living Dharma* by
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*Lama Yeshe Losaf*. I am also reading more books about the subject, those
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were about Diamond Way Buddhism and now I am reading about Zen
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(*Everyday Zen* by *Charlotte Joko Beck* (this seems to be for Zen what
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*Living Dharma* is for Diamond Way.)
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*No one is perfect, including you, everyone makes mistake.*
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*Everyone is as capable to hurting you as making you good.*
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So I have learned Esperanto and according to my mother *mi diras Esperanto
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duono de tempo* and came to religion, can I be more crazy?
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Esperanto gave me self-esteem with my capability of learning languages so
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I started learning
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* Swedish, which I regret not learning at junior high school, but I had
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dysphoria, bullying, suicidality, depression and everything and I think
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I hear it in Helsinki daily and it's also official language in Finland.
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* Spanish as *mi amas Esperanton*, it looks so much like Esperanto so
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I feel I almost understand everything written in it and it's the second
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most spoken language in the world, so I have to learn it.
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* Lojban thanks to the friend mentioned earlier.
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Do mi nun parolas la finnan, la anglan, Esperanton kaj mi lernas hispanan,
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la svennan kaj la lojbanon. Entirely sane.
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* * * * *
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And life otherwise, I haven't gotten to continue studying yet, which I
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think was mentioned as a goal in the other posts, but I just wasn't able
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to. I have applied to four places and I think I failed one entrance
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examination, but that is three left.
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I was also local election candidate for Helsinki Pirates (part of Pirate
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Party Finland) and I got surprisingly many votes (20 IIRC) and collective
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votes helped us get one candidate through to the Helsinki municipal
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council and we also got some other seats and backup seats.
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I think I have finished typing this blog post now. However I was supposed
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to start this with an apology about some of my old blog posts (which I am not censoring as I don't feel like that would be the right thing either),
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so I apologise about them now. I don't know if the text says it, but I
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feel like I have improved as a person a lot in addition to getting over
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mental health issues and finishing the trans process.
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