_posts: Post trans process, orchiectomy

_posts/2017-04-30-post-trans.md

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+---
+layout: post
+comments: true
+title: "Post trans process, orchiectomy"
+category: [english]
+tags: [english, life, buddhism]
+---
+
+*A little confusing flood of what my fingers brought up on the last past
+ year and a little more.*
+
+* * * * *
+
+***CONTENT WARNINGs: NSFW, genitalia, surgery descriptions***
+
+I don't have any well-laid plan how to type this post, but lets see what
+comes out of my fingers. By the way, orchiectomy is surgical removal of
+testicles, even if it's fun to talk about it without explaining it and have
+people searxing what it is...
+
+I don't usually discuss my genitalia, but I feel like I have to make an
+exception for this post as the majority of trans people only talk about
+the full genital surgery ("gender-reassignment surgery", but I tend to take
+the Finnish word and translate it into English, many people don't know
+that orchiectomy is an option.
+
+*Dear reader, for this part of this post I am assuming that you are trans
+ as I am typing this for you in hope that it will help you, not for anyone
+ reading this only, because they are curious on what I have between my
+ legs or what trans people have between their legs.*
+
+First question would probably be how did I end up to orchiectomy instead of
+the full genital surgery.
+
+If you have been reading this blog, you know that I was having very bad
+time mentally suffering from depression, AvPD (it was confirmed and I
+healed, but that later in this post), anxiety and everything. Thus everyone
+thought that I wouldn't have mental resources for the full genital surgery.
+
+If I recall correctly, I was complaining about this at [Transtukipiste](http://transtukipiste.fi/in-english/)
+(Trans support point, runs peer support groups and supports trans people
+otherwise) coffee evening and somehow I ended up wondering if I should
+try getting orchiectomy and someone encouraged me to ask. Could this have
+even been the last day of 2015...
+
+Knowing that orchiectomy doesn't prevent having full genital surgery later
+(confirm from your doctor though, I only know this is the case in Finland
+as long as you repeat to your doctor that you want to keep the option
+open), I asked about the doctor who asked my therapist and (as this post is
+not about the process) skipping things a little, I finally got permission
+for it.
+
+At some point before the surgery I started sleeping naked and started becoming very
+comfortable with my body and I started feeling that I might be happy with
+just orchiectomy, but I decided that I would think about it after the
+surgery if I started feeling like it.
+
+* * * * *
+
+***Same content warnings, except that only now is actually the surgery.***
+
+On evening of October 17th I took the last Androcur. It's the
+male-hormone blocker that all trans people are prescribed in Finland by
+default and the medicine that appears to make almost everyone depressed
+and I was using half-dosage as it's strong and if you have read my old
+posts, you have some kind of image on how much I suffered it.
+
+On the next morning I was at Peijas hospital and had the orchiectomy. I
+remember being there long time before the appointment and getting a little
+lost inside the hospital, but when I found there, everything happened
+easily and I spend there only a few hours. And there was no depression
+anymore.
+
+The recovery period should have been two weeks, but the wound opened so
+it took a little longer, but that isn't what this post is about either.
+
+* * * * *
+
+What this post is about is how I feel.
+
+I have finished the trans process. I have a penis and empty testicle sack
+that has decided to rise up so I don't even see it in the mirror.
+
+I don't feel dysphoria or have any issues looking at my own body, no
+discomfort or anything, I am me. I transitioned for me, not other
+people and if my genitalia is something people don't expect, that isn't
+my problem.
+
+I can use dirtier toilets easily as I don't have to sit down, it doesn't
+necessary even have to be a toilet and in case there is a long queue, I
+can also use urinal if I need to.
+
+Public saunas and changing areas etc.? I am a woman regardless of what
+people may think about my body parts which aren't their business. I haven't
+yet visited any of those, but as I said whatever people think isn't my
+problem. I actually even have a temptation to visit such areas, just
+because my body is "sinful" and everything, according to whatever you wish
+to call cis beauty standards. <!-- This is possibly a little kinky. -->
+
+How do I know that I don't need the full genital surgery? I haven't even
+thought about it recently and I have no feelings of wrongness or thoughts
+or anything pointing that I would need it. I even sometimes forget that
+I am not cis or that my body isn't "normal". *Normal doesn't exist by
+the way.*
+
+Trans people are also often worried about erections, based on my
+experience and what I have heard, I think it depends entirely on your
+relationship with your body. I have them sometimes as I am a human
+and asexuality doesn't close them out.
+
+I feel indifferent about them, but that might be connected to me
+being asexual or also being sex-repulsed which to me means that
+I feel repulsed seeing erections or bodily fluids.
+
+* * * * *
+
+*Should I content warning about Esperanto?*
+
+After the surgery I have heard that people often have crisis on what to do
+after transition. I solved that by becoming insane :D
+
+I read about Esperanto, which is the most spoken artificial language in
+the world and then I just had to learn it. I did Duolingo and associated
+Memrise course for three months ... *kaj mi parolas Esperanton!*
+
+Thanks to online-friend I also happened to read about Buddhism and it made
+a lot more sense than Christianity that was forced on me ever did. It's
+more on experiencing things than believing blindly and even Buddha said
+*don't believe me, experience it by yourself* and I started trying to
+use their methods (you may have heard *Mindfulness*) or maybe it would be
+more accurate to say that I started practicing it.
+
+If individuality is an illusion, how could I be worse than everyone else?
+If past and future aren't here *now* and I am finally "given" the
+permission to let go of them, why should I be stuck in the past? And the
+future won't be like I think so why be stuck in imaginary future on my
+worseness?
+
+The books I read are *How To Be An Adult in Relationships* by
+*David Richo* (thanks to [attachment styles - a primer at the dirty normal](http://www.thedirtynormal.com/blog/2010/06/21/attachment-styles-a-primer/)
+which recommends a different book with similar name, so happy accident
+happened), *The Way Things Are* by *Lama Ole Nydahl* and *Living Dharma* by
+*Lama Yeshe Losaf*. I am also reading more books about the subject, those
+were about Diamond Way Buddhism and now I am reading about Zen
+(*Everyday Zen* by *Charlotte Joko Beck* (this seems to be for Zen what
+*Living Dharma* is for Diamond Way.)
+
+*No one is perfect, including you, everyone makes mistake.*
+
+*Everyone is as capable to hurting you as making you good.*
+
+So I have learned Esperanto and according to my mother *mi diras Esperanto
+duono de tempo* and came to religion, can I be more crazy?
+
+Esperanto gave me self-esteem with my capability of learning languages so
+I started learning
+
+* Swedish, which I regret not learning at junior high school, but I had
+  dysphoria, bullying, suicidality, depression and everything and I think
+  I hear it in Helsinki daily and it's also official language in Finland.
+* Spanish as *mi amas Esperanton*, it looks so much like Esperanto so
+  I feel I almost understand everything written in it and it's the second
+  most spoken language in the world, so I have to learn it.
+* Lojban thanks to the friend mentioned earlier.
+
+Do mi nun parolas la finnan, la anglan, Esperanton kaj mi lernas hispanan,
+la svennan kaj la lojbanon. Entirely sane.
+
+* * * * *
+
+And life otherwise, I haven't gotten to continue studying yet, which I
+think was mentioned as a goal in the other posts, but I just wasn't able
+to. I have applied to four places and I think I failed one entrance
+examination, but that is three left.
+
+I was also local election candidate for Helsinki Pirates (part of Pirate
+Party Finland) and I got surprisingly many votes (20 IIRC) and collective
+votes helped us get one candidate through to the Helsinki municipal
+council and we also got some other seats and backup seats.
+
+I think I have finished typing this blog post now. However I was supposed
+to start this with an apology about some of my old blog posts (which I am not censoring as I don't feel like that would be the right thing either),
+so I apologise about them now. I don't know if the text says it, but I
+feel like I have improved as a person a lot in addition to getting over
+mental health issues and finishing the trans process.