From bd5960054afc6bb2e8f38defc3fe26be0ce532a2 Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001 From: Mikaela Suomalainen Date: Wed, 3 May 2017 11:33:50 +0300 Subject: [PATCH] _posts: Post trans process, orchiectomy --- _posts/2017-04-30-post-trans.md | 185 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 1 file changed, 185 insertions(+) create mode 100644 _posts/2017-04-30-post-trans.md diff --git a/_posts/2017-04-30-post-trans.md b/_posts/2017-04-30-post-trans.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..9026c56 --- /dev/null +++ b/_posts/2017-04-30-post-trans.md @@ -0,0 +1,185 @@ +--- +layout: post +comments: true +title: "Post trans process, orchiectomy" +category: [english] +tags: [english, life, buddhism] +--- + +*A little confusing flood of what my fingers brought up on the last past + year and a little more.* + +* * * * * + +***CONTENT WARNINGs: NSFW, genitalia, surgery descriptions*** + +I don't have any well-laid plan how to type this post, but lets see what +comes out of my fingers. By the way, orchiectomy is surgical removal of +testicles, even if it's fun to talk about it without explaining it and have +people searxing what it is... + +I don't usually discuss my genitalia, but I feel like I have to make an +exception for this post as the majority of trans people only talk about +the full genital surgery ("gender-reassignment surgery", but I tend to take +the Finnish word and translate it into English, many people don't know +that orchiectomy is an option. + +*Dear reader, for this part of this post I am assuming that you are trans + as I am typing this for you in hope that it will help you, not for anyone + reading this only, because they are curious on what I have between my + legs or what trans people have between their legs.* + +First question would probably be how did I end up to orchiectomy instead of +the full genital surgery. + +If you have been reading this blog, you know that I was having very bad +time mentally suffering from depression, AvPD (it was confirmed and I +healed, but that later in this post), anxiety and everything. Thus everyone +thought that I wouldn't have mental resources for the full genital surgery. + +If I recall correctly, I was complaining about this at [Transtukipiste](http://transtukipiste.fi/in-english/) +(Trans support point, runs peer support groups and supports trans people +otherwise) coffee evening and somehow I ended up wondering if I should +try getting orchiectomy and someone encouraged me to ask. Could this have +even been the last day of 2015... + +Knowing that orchiectomy doesn't prevent having full genital surgery later +(confirm from your doctor though, I only know this is the case in Finland +as long as you repeat to your doctor that you want to keep the option +open), I asked about the doctor who asked my therapist and (as this post is +not about the process) skipping things a little, I finally got permission +for it. + +At some point before the surgery I started sleeping naked and started becoming very +comfortable with my body and I started feeling that I might be happy with +just orchiectomy, but I decided that I would think about it after the +surgery if I started feeling like it. + +* * * * * + +***Same content warnings, except that only now is actually the surgery.*** + +On evening of October 17th I took the last Androcur. It's the +male-hormone blocker that all trans people are prescribed in Finland by +default and the medicine that appears to make almost everyone depressed +and I was using half-dosage as it's strong and if you have read my old +posts, you have some kind of image on how much I suffered it. + +On the next morning I was at Peijas hospital and had the orchiectomy. I +remember being there long time before the appointment and getting a little +lost inside the hospital, but when I found there, everything happened +easily and I spend there only a few hours. And there was no depression +anymore. + +The recovery period should have been two weeks, but the wound opened so +it took a little longer, but that isn't what this post is about either. + +* * * * * + +What this post is about is how I feel. + +I have finished the trans process. I have a penis and empty testicle sack +that has decided to rise up so I don't even see it in the mirror. + +I don't feel dysphoria or have any issues looking at my own body, no +discomfort or anything, I am me. I transitioned for me, not other +people and if my genitalia is something people don't expect, that isn't +my problem. + +I can use dirtier toilets easily as I don't have to sit down, it doesn't +necessary even have to be a toilet and in case there is a long queue, I +can also use urinal if I need to. + +Public saunas and changing areas etc.? I am a woman regardless of what +people may think about my body parts which aren't their business. I haven't +yet visited any of those, but as I said whatever people think isn't my +problem. I actually even have a temptation to visit such areas, just +because my body is "sinful" and everything, according to whatever you wish +to call cis beauty standards. + +How do I know that I don't need the full genital surgery? I haven't even +thought about it recently and I have no feelings of wrongness or thoughts +or anything pointing that I would need it. I even sometimes forget that +I am not cis or that my body isn't "normal". *Normal doesn't exist by +the way.* + +Trans people are also often worried about erections, based on my +experience and what I have heard, I think it depends entirely on your +relationship with your body. I have them sometimes as I am a human +and asexuality doesn't close them out. + +I feel indifferent about them, but that might be connected to me +being asexual or also being sex-repulsed which to me means that +I feel repulsed seeing erections or bodily fluids. + +* * * * * + +*Should I content warning about Esperanto?* + +After the surgery I have heard that people often have crisis on what to do +after transition. I solved that by becoming insane :D + +I read about Esperanto, which is the most spoken artificial language in +the world and then I just had to learn it. I did Duolingo and associated +Memrise course for three months ... *kaj mi parolas Esperanton!* + +Thanks to online-friend I also happened to read about Buddhism and it made +a lot more sense than Christianity that was forced on me ever did. It's +more on experiencing things than believing blindly and even Buddha said +*don't believe me, experience it by yourself* and I started trying to +use their methods (you may have heard *Mindfulness*) or maybe it would be +more accurate to say that I started practicing it. + +If individuality is an illusion, how could I be worse than everyone else? +If past and future aren't here *now* and I am finally "given" the +permission to let go of them, why should I be stuck in the past? And the +future won't be like I think so why be stuck in imaginary future on my +worseness? + +The books I read are *How To Be An Adult in Relationships* by +*David Richo* (thanks to [attachment styles - a primer at the dirty normal](http://www.thedirtynormal.com/blog/2010/06/21/attachment-styles-a-primer/) +which recommends a different book with similar name, so happy accident +happened), *The Way Things Are* by *Lama Ole Nydahl* and *Living Dharma* by +*Lama Yeshe Losaf*. I am also reading more books about the subject, those +were about Diamond Way Buddhism and now I am reading about Zen +(*Everyday Zen* by *Charlotte Joko Beck* (this seems to be for Zen what +*Living Dharma* is for Diamond Way.) + +*No one is perfect, including you, everyone makes mistake.* + +*Everyone is as capable to hurting you as making you good.* + +So I have learned Esperanto and according to my mother *mi diras Esperanto +duono de tempo* and came to religion, can I be more crazy? + +Esperanto gave me self-esteem with my capability of learning languages so +I started learning + +* Swedish, which I regret not learning at junior high school, but I had + dysphoria, bullying, suicidality, depression and everything and I think + I hear it in Helsinki daily and it's also official language in Finland. +* Spanish as *mi amas Esperanton*, it looks so much like Esperanto so + I feel I almost understand everything written in it and it's the second + most spoken language in the world, so I have to learn it. +* Lojban thanks to the friend mentioned earlier. + +Do mi nun parolas la finnan, la anglan, Esperanton kaj mi lernas hispanan, +la svennan kaj la lojbanon. Entirely sane. + +* * * * * + +And life otherwise, I haven't gotten to continue studying yet, which I +think was mentioned as a goal in the other posts, but I just wasn't able +to. I have applied to four places and I think I failed one entrance +examination, but that is three left. + +I was also local election candidate for Helsinki Pirates (part of Pirate +Party Finland) and I got surprisingly many votes (20 IIRC) and collective +votes helped us get one candidate through to the Helsinki municipal +council and we also got some other seats and backup seats. + +I think I have finished typing this blog post now. However I was supposed +to start this with an apology about some of my old blog posts (which I am not censoring as I don't feel like that would be the right thing either), +so I apologise about them now. I don't know if the text says it, but I +feel like I have improved as a person a lot in addition to getting over +mental health issues and finishing the trans process.