From 6ab53a64eaf141857a0d6991c86d18e4235f93a6 Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001 From: Mikaela Suomalainen Date: Tue, 16 Jun 2015 23:33:53 +0300 Subject: [PATCH] blog: feelings --- _posts/2015-06-16-feelings.md | 94 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 1 file changed, 94 insertions(+) create mode 100644 _posts/2015-06-16-feelings.md diff --git a/_posts/2015-06-16-feelings.md b/_posts/2015-06-16-feelings.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..b6d70bc --- /dev/null +++ b/_posts/2015-06-16-feelings.md @@ -0,0 +1,94 @@ +--- +layout: post +comments: true +title: "Feelings or what is left unsaid about Kotkan keskuskoulu" +category: [english] +tags: [irc, english] +--- + +*If you wanted to know about my current life situation, read something else + as I have no life and this posts talks only about the haunting past.* + +Everyone probably knows that I haven't had very positive experience with +any school, but now I try to bring some events to light from maybe +seven years ago. + +There are three event that haunt me the most: + +* *I am just being at break like I am always, alone and without friends + and I hear one of the bullies talking about me, "that jack pisses me off + so much, always walking around in kuoma boots and his face is like ass + of prey bird." After that I remember being in physics or chemitry lesson + and crying and trying to get attention of teacher by writing everything + very slowly, but failing and the only thing that happened was my + handwriting looking better.* +* *I don't remember the situation, I think it was a break, but someone from + the same class said "I know why … is so weird, his grandfathers have had + sex with monkeys.* +* *I don't remember where it began, but one group of bullies took the habit + of calling me as "ubitch". I don't know where they took that word as + even I didn't know about being trans (Asperger's diagnose would also + come later), but they had issue when I smiled, so I learned to not smile + and that is still causing me issues to this day includin difficulties in + voice training and potential [AvPD](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Avoidant_personality_disorder). + The same group also did worse things that I don't want to talk about.* + +What was done? Different appointments with different people, including +school social worker who quite directly said "there is no bullying in our +school, you are scizhophrenic" (don't mind that school social workers +aren't able to write dignosis) and psychologist who surprised me and my +mother by knowing everything about my childhood and "just had to start from +something (Asperger's syndrome). + +I ended up ending that school half year before it would have been over and +at some point starting my long visits to psychiatrical hospital (which is +horrible if you happen to be neuroatypial and part of +Gender/Romantic/Sexual Minority or multiple of those, but that is for +another post). + +There were also other issues that I remember, but I don't feel the same +level of pain. + +* *One person never talked to me and had some issue with me and always got + what they wanted ("I don't want to work with that"). Not that I wanted + to work with them, but it would have been nice if anyone thought about + asking my opinion.* +* *On home economics lesson, I don't remember what was talked about, but + I said for some reason that I like tuna over rye crisps and got response + that it's "so poor" and it's unclear to this day what does price of food + have to do with how does it taste.* +* *There was … Suomalainen fanclub at Facebook and it was also reported to + police, but no action was took as there was nothing offensive there. In + the end offensive content got there, but it was removed in agreement + when anti-bullying FB page with name "bully name bunny club" was + removed.* + * *I was also friends at some point with the person depending on how + much friendship it is to perform Windows repair install and as + reward get told that we couldn't be friends at school as their + reputation would suffer. More bullying came...* +* There was also a lot more that happened there, but I would probably write + this forever if I wrote about everything and the things that are always + on surface are already written. + +and as this is titled feelings, I should probably write about those too, +not that there was anything new. + +* I seem to be always anxious, especially if anyone wants me to go outdoors + alone and I am afraid of seeing someone from any school even if they + didn't recognize me or did nothing, I have already seen people from there + twice with both times mentally locking me down. +* I am just horrible person, everyone hates me and no one is honest in any + good thing they say to/about me. +* I am just bothering everyone by being present in same space whether + physical or online. +* Most of time I feel I have no friends anywhere even if there are + otherwise some IRC or IRL, it's just difficult for me to make/maintain + friendships, but me being horrible person is nothing new anyway. +* I wish that I had a partner, but it's impossible as I am just horrible + person and autist (in bad way) and asexual (while most of rest of the + world wants only sex) and trans (which is probably the worse as that + translates to "has or has had a penis" and makes everyone misinterpred me + as being male or being unable to think me as a girl). I don't sleep + propery at nights thinking these things and I just cannot get out and + as said Kymenlaakso is unable to help. +