mikaela.github.io/blog/_posts/2015-06-16-feelings.md

---
layout: post
comments: true
title: "Feelings or what is left unsaid about Kotkan keskuskoulu"
category: [english]
tags: [irc, english]
redirect_from: /english/2015/03/18/nodcc.html
sitemap: true
robots: noai
---

_If you wanted to know about my current life situation, read something else as I
have no life and this posts talks only about the haunting past._

Everyone probably knows that I haven't had very positive experience with any
school, but now I try to bring some events to light from maybe seven years ago.

There are three event that haunt me the most:

- _I am just being at break like I am always, alone and without friends and I
  hear one of the bullies talking about me, "that jack pisses me off so much,
  always walking around in kuoma boots and his face is like ass of prey bird."
  After that I remember being in physics or chemitry lesson and crying and
  trying to get attention of teacher by writing everything very slowly, but
  failing and the only thing that happened was my handwriting looking better._
- _I don't remember the situation, I think it was a break, but someone from the
  same class said "I know why … is so weird, his grandfathers have had sex with
  monkeys._
- _I don't remember where it began, but one group of bullies took the habit of
  calling me as "ubitch". I don't know where they took that word as even I
  didn't know about being trans (Asperger's diagnose would also come later), but
  they had issue when I smiled, so I learned to not smile and that is still
  causing me issues to this day includin difficulties in voice training and
  potential
  [AvPD](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Avoidant_personality_disorder). The
  same group also did worse things that I don't want to talk about._

What was done? Different appointments with different people, including school
social worker who quite directly said "there is no bullying in our school, you
are scizhophrenic" (don't mind that school social workers aren't able to write
dignosis) and psychologist who surprised me and my mother by knowing everything
about my childhood and "just had to start from something (Asperger's syndrome).

I ended up ending that school half year before it would have been over and at
some point starting my long visits to psychiatrical hospital (which is horrible
if you happen to be neuroatypial and part of Gender/Romantic/Sexual Minority or
multiple of those, but that is for another post).

There were also other issues that I remember, but I don't feel the same level of
pain.

- _One person never talked to me and had some issue with me and always got what
  they wanted ("I don't want to work with that"). Not that I wanted to work with
  them, but it would have been nice if anyone thought about asking my opinion._
- _On home economics lesson, I don't remember what was talked about, but I said
  for some reason that I like tuna over rye crisps and got response that it's
  "so poor" and it's unclear to this day what does price of food have to do with
  how does it taste._
- _There was … Suomalainen fanclub at Facebook and it was also reported to
  police, but no action was took as there was nothing offensive there. In the
  end offensive content got there, but it was removed in agreement when
  anti-bullying FB page with name "bully name bunny club" was removed._
  - _I was also friends at some point with the person depending on how much
    friendship it is to perform Windows repair install and as reward get told
    that we couldn't be friends at school as their reputation would suffer. More
    bullying came..._
- There was also a lot more that happened there, but I would probably write this
  forever if I wrote about everything and the things that are always on surface
  are already written.

and as this is titled feelings, I should probably write about those too, not
that there was anything new.

- I seem to be always anxious, especially if anyone wants me to go outdoors
  alone and I am afraid of seeing someone from any school even if they didn't
  recognize me or did nothing, I have already seen people from there twice with
  both times mentally locking me down.
- I am just horrible person, everyone hates me and no one is honest in any good
  thing they say to/about me.
- I am just bothering everyone by being present in same space whether physical
  or online.
- Most of time I feel I have no friends anywhere even if there are otherwise
  some IRC or IRL, it's just difficult for me to make/maintain friendships, but
  me being horrible person is nothing new anyway.
- I wish that I had a partner, but it's impossible as I am just horrible person
  and autist (in bad way) and asexual (while most of rest of the world wants
  only sex) and trans (which is probably the worse as that translates to "has or
  has had a penis" and makes everyone misinterpred me as being male or being
  unable to think me as a girl). I don't sleep propery at nights thinking these
  things and I just cannot get out and as said Kymenlaakso is unable to help.