mikaela.github.io/_posts/2015-06-16-feelings.md

---
layout: post
comments: true
title: "Feelings or what is left unsaid about Kotkan keskuskoulu"
category: [english]
tags: [irc, english]
---

*If you wanted to know about my current life situation, read something else
 as I have no life and this posts talks only about the haunting past.*

Everyone probably knows that I haven't had very positive experience with
any school, but now I try to bring some events to light from maybe
seven years ago.

There are three event that haunt me the most:

* *I am just being at break like I am always, alone and without friends
   and I hear one of the bullies talking about me, "that jack pisses me off
   so much, always walking around in kuoma boots and his face is like ass
   of prey bird." After that I remember being in physics or chemitry lesson
   and crying and trying to get attention of teacher by writing everything
   very slowly, but failing and the only thing that happened was my
   handwriting looking better.*
* *I don't remember the situation, I think it was a break, but someone from
   the same class said "I know why … is so weird, his grandfathers have had
   sex with monkeys.*
* *I don't remember where it began, but one group of bullies took the habit
   of calling me as "ubitch". I don't know where they took that word as
   even I didn't know about being trans (Asperger's diagnose would also
   come later), but they had issue when I smiled, so I learned to not smile
   and that is still causing me issues to this day includin difficulties in
   voice training and potential [AvPD](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Avoidant_personality_disorder).
   The same group also did worse things that I don't want to talk about.*

What was done? Different appointments with different people, including
school social worker who quite directly said "there is no bullying in our
school, you are scizhophrenic" (don't mind that school social workers
aren't able to write dignosis) and psychologist who surprised me and my
mother by knowing everything about my childhood and "just had to start from
something (Asperger's syndrome).

I ended up ending that school half year before it would have been over and
at some point starting my long visits to psychiatrical hospital (which is
horrible if you happen to be neuroatypial and part of
Gender/Romantic/Sexual Minority or multiple of those, but that is for
another post).

There were also other issues that I remember, but I don't feel the same
level of pain.

* *One person never talked to me and had some issue with me and always got
   what they wanted ("I don't want to work with that"). Not that I wanted
   to work with them, but it would have been nice if anyone thought about
   asking my opinion.*
* *On home economics lesson, I don't remember what was talked about, but
   I said for some reason that I like tuna over rye crisps and got response
   that it's "so poor" and it's unclear to this day what does price of food
   have to do with how does it taste.*
* *There was … Suomalainen fanclub at Facebook and it was also reported to
   police, but no action was took as there was nothing offensive there. In
   the end offensive content got there, but it was removed in agreement
   when anti-bullying FB page with name "bully name bunny club" was
   removed.*
    * *I was also friends at some point with the person depending on how
       much friendship it is to perform Windows repair install and as
       reward get told that we couldn't be friends at school as their
       reputation would suffer. More bullying came...*
* There was also a lot more that happened there, but I would probably write
  this forever if I wrote about everything and the things that are always
  on surface are already written.

and as this is titled feelings, I should probably write about those too,
not that there was anything new.

* I seem to be always anxious, especially if anyone wants me to go outdoors
  alone and I am afraid of seeing someone from any school even if they
  didn't recognize me or did nothing, I have already seen people from there
  twice with both times mentally locking me down.
* I am just horrible person, everyone hates me and no one is honest in any
  good thing they say to/about me.
* I am just bothering everyone by being present in same space whether
  physical or online.
* Most of time I feel I have no friends anywhere even if there are
  otherwise some IRC or IRL, it's just difficult for me to make/maintain
  friendships, but me being horrible person is nothing new anyway.
* I wish that I had a partner, but it's impossible as I am just horrible
  person and autist (in bad way) and asexual (while most of rest of the
  world wants only sex) and trans (which is probably the worse as that
  translates to "has or has had a penis" and makes everyone misinterpred me
  as being male or being unable to think me as a girl). I don't sleep
  propery at nights thinking these things and I just cannot get out and
  as said Kymenlaakso is unable to help.