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91 lines
4.9 KiB
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91 lines
4.9 KiB
Markdown
---
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layout: post
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comments: true
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title: "Feelings or what is left unsaid about Kotkan keskuskoulu"
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category: [english]
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tags: [irc, english]
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redirect_from: /english/2015/03/18/nodcc.html
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sitemap: true
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robots: noai
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---
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_If you wanted to know about my current life situation, read something else as I
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have no life and this posts talks only about the haunting past._
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Everyone probably knows that I haven't had very positive experience with any
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school, but now I try to bring some events to light from maybe seven years ago.
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There are three event that haunt me the most:
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- _I am just being at break like I am always, alone and without friends and I
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hear one of the bullies talking about me, "that jack pisses me off so much,
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always walking around in kuoma boots and his face is like ass of prey bird."
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After that I remember being in physics or chemitry lesson and crying and
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trying to get attention of teacher by writing everything very slowly, but
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failing and the only thing that happened was my handwriting looking better._
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- _I don't remember the situation, I think it was a break, but someone from the
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same class said "I know why … is so weird, his grandfathers have had sex with
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monkeys._
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- _I don't remember where it began, but one group of bullies took the habit of
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calling me as "ubitch". I don't know where they took that word as even I
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didn't know about being trans (Asperger's diagnose would also come later), but
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they had issue when I smiled, so I learned to not smile and that is still
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causing me issues to this day includin difficulties in voice training and
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potential
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[AvPD](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Avoidant_personality_disorder). The
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same group also did worse things that I don't want to talk about._
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What was done? Different appointments with different people, including school
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social worker who quite directly said "there is no bullying in our school, you
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are scizhophrenic" (don't mind that school social workers aren't able to write
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dignosis) and psychologist who surprised me and my mother by knowing everything
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about my childhood and "just had to start from something (Asperger's syndrome).
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I ended up ending that school half year before it would have been over and at
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some point starting my long visits to psychiatrical hospital (which is horrible
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if you happen to be neuroatypial and part of Gender/Romantic/Sexual Minority or
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multiple of those, but that is for another post).
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There were also other issues that I remember, but I don't feel the same level of
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pain.
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- _One person never talked to me and had some issue with me and always got what
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they wanted ("I don't want to work with that"). Not that I wanted to work with
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them, but it would have been nice if anyone thought about asking my opinion._
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- _On home economics lesson, I don't remember what was talked about, but I said
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for some reason that I like tuna over rye crisps and got response that it's
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"so poor" and it's unclear to this day what does price of food have to do with
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how does it taste._
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- _There was … Suomalainen fanclub at Facebook and it was also reported to
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police, but no action was took as there was nothing offensive there. In the
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end offensive content got there, but it was removed in agreement when
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anti-bullying FB page with name "bully name bunny club" was removed._
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- _I was also friends at some point with the person depending on how much
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friendship it is to perform Windows repair install and as reward get told
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that we couldn't be friends at school as their reputation would suffer. More
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bullying came..._
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- There was also a lot more that happened there, but I would probably write this
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forever if I wrote about everything and the things that are always on surface
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are already written.
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and as this is titled feelings, I should probably write about those too, not
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that there was anything new.
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- I seem to be always anxious, especially if anyone wants me to go outdoors
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alone and I am afraid of seeing someone from any school even if they didn't
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recognize me or did nothing, I have already seen people from there twice with
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both times mentally locking me down.
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- I am just horrible person, everyone hates me and no one is honest in any good
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thing they say to/about me.
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- I am just bothering everyone by being present in same space whether physical
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or online.
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- Most of time I feel I have no friends anywhere even if there are otherwise
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some IRC or IRL, it's just difficult for me to make/maintain friendships, but
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me being horrible person is nothing new anyway.
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- I wish that I had a partner, but it's impossible as I am just horrible person
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and autist (in bad way) and asexual (while most of rest of the world wants
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only sex) and trans (which is probably the worse as that translates to "has or
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has had a penis" and makes everyone misinterpred me as being male or being
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unable to think me as a girl). I don't sleep propery at nights thinking these
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things and I just cannot get out and as said Kymenlaakso is unable to help.
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