---
layout: post
comments: true
title: "Little on my life currently"
category: [english]
tags: [irc, english, life]
---

<!--

Today I decided to leave all communities that had anything to do with bots,
mainly because of the Limnoria channels.

If you have followed Limnoria's channels for longer time, you know how
it has gotten less tolerant of discussions that are not related to
Limnoria. It started escalating today as \#freenode had discussions on
issues with freenode's staffers and while one issue was resolved, @ncoevoet
decided that it's best that they leave the channel as they are "unwanted".

Below is the <s>problematic part of</s> discussion from 2015-02-13:

*Many people asked what happened fully so here it is.*

*And people are telling me that this log is too long and they are unable
to find the important part and the previous problematic part starts from
`[21:43:36]`.*

<pre class="irclog">
[20:48:35] &lt;Hasimir&gt; hey Mikaela, how is the network command referred to in a plugin (like @network), is it supybot.network or config.network or something else?
[20:49:00] &lt;Mikaela&gt; I have no idea what you mean
[20:49:27] &lt;Hasimir&gt; basically I want to tweak a plugin to make a filename that refers to the network the bot is on
[20:49:34] &lt;Hasimir&gt; so here ...
[20:49:37] &lt;Hasimir&gt; @network
[20:49:38] &lt;Limnoria&gt; freenode
[20:49:48] &lt;Hasimir&gt; we get that
[20:50:02] &lt;Hasimir&gt; but elsewhere, obviously something different
[20:51:08] &lt;Mikaela&gt; @help network
[20:51:08] &lt;Limnoria&gt; (network takes no arguments) -- Returns the network the bot is on. 
[20:51:22] &lt;Mikaela&gt; so probably always the network where you call that
[20:52:04] &lt;Hasimir&gt; but doesn't indicate whether it can be called by a script in relation to a user if the bot is on 2 or more networks
[20:52:41] &lt;Mikaela&gt; I have no idea what you are talking bout and I am currently the worst person who to ask support
[20:52:47] &lt;Hasimir&gt; heh
[20:52:50] &lt;Hasimir&gt; that's cool
[20:53:10] &lt;Hasimir&gt; I'll leave that bit for now then ...
[20:53:42] &lt;Hasimir&gt; and yeah, I'm trying to expand the gpg auth options to include a method which makes it easier for end user scripting
[20:54:33] &lt;Hasimir&gt; i.e. a method where the end user has a constant url to grab an encrypted token from, etc. (like nano's eauth and everify combo)
[20:55:24] &lt;Mikaela&gt; I have no coding skills as you might remember
[20:55:44] &lt;Hasimir&gt; actually, I'd kinda forgotten, my bad
[20:56:15] &lt;Mikaela&gt; sorry, life is just being difficult again
[20:56:29] &lt;Hasimir&gt; we'll manage ...
[20:57:34] &lt;Hasimir&gt; all I need to do is make the url/filename unique and there are other ways
[20:58:20] &lt;Mikaela&gt; it's that day tomorrow and I am crying because of it and Ialso was in arguing about intersex people and those surgeries
[20:58:22] &lt;Mikaela&gt; me: it should be waited for intersex person to be old enough to decide what is the best for them
[20:58:24] &lt;Mikaela&gt; they: doctors should decide the best possible action (that always translates to either cutting as girl unless there is enough material for boy)
[20:58:26] &lt;Mikaela&gt; and the still didn't listen to me or click my links and there are really bad things in them
[20:58:41] &lt;Mikaela&gt; " When he was 12, Bruce was given female hormones so his body would feminize. Then, at 18, he prepared for a vaginoplasty -- "designed to allow me "to have sex with my husband." "
[20:59:17] &lt;Mikaela&gt; it's so much pain to be in body with wrong hormones and parts and they cut people without asking them to cause them that pain
[20:59:38] &lt;Mikaela&gt; and while they are doing that, we must fight to be able to get the treatment we need
[21:00:01] &lt;Mikaela&gt; I have had thoese around ten self-castration and suicide attempts, but are doctors doing nything? no, I had to be on illegal HRT for year
[21:00:38] &lt;Mikaela&gt; and now they are not giving me papers to get myself legally recognized so when I graduate, I am unable to apply for next school
[21:00:55] &lt;Hasimir&gt; aye, and there is a lot more variation than what society would call normal than most people think or suspect
[21:01:31] &lt;Hasimir&gt; and endochrinal issues are ... complex
[21:01:34] &lt;Mikaela&gt; I still haven't meet anyone normal
[21:01:44] &lt;Hasimir&gt; neither have I  ;)
[21:02:00] &lt;Mikaela&gt; but how I know this society, those people who make my school pain are normal
[21:02:21] &lt;Mikaela&gt; I must use backdoor to canteen to even be able to get there without being shouted transphobic things
[21:02:48] &lt;Hasimir&gt; but then I did take the name of a character described as a genetic eunuch as my handle ... albeit a sneaky and politically adept one
[21:03:26] &lt;Mikaela&gt; I don't think I know that character
[21:03:39] &lt;Hasimir&gt; from Frank Herbert's Dune
[21:03:55] &lt;Mikaela&gt; oh, I see, I haven't read that
[21:04:10] &lt;Mikaela&gt; I have lately been reading just The Wheel of Time and I am in prologue of book 10
[21:04:15] &lt;Hasimir&gt; really good book, I highly recommend it
[21:04:45] &lt;Hasimir&gt; oh lord, the Wheel of Neverending Time in which one fight lasts for 3 days and 7 volumes  ;)
[21:05:43] &lt;Hasimir&gt; but if you love your fantasy novels ...
[21:06:03] &lt;Hasimir&gt; the Fionnavar Trilogy by Guy Gavriel Kay is an absolute must read
[21:06:09] &lt;Mikaela&gt; nothing else triggering in it than me hoping that some things would happen to me and there are some negative things there, but mostly it's just women thinking that the only thing men ever do is gossipping and men thinking the same about women
[21:06:11] &lt;Mikaela&gt; :D
[21:06:13] &lt;Mikaela&gt; yes, I love fantasy
[21:06:36] &lt;Mikaela&gt; I just feel it differently nowadays and if something particulary touching happens, I might cry
[21:06:42] &lt;Hasimir&gt; also the Chronicles of Amber by Roger Zelazny (whose novel, Lord of Light shared the 1968 Hugo award with Herbert's Dune)
[21:06:58] &lt;Mikaela&gt; one example could be The Hunt Records by Tamora Pierce (if I recall the name correctly)
[21:07:12] &lt;Hasimir&gt; then you'll really love Guy Gavriel Kay's work
[21:07:16] &lt;Mikaela&gt; doesn't sound familiar either
[21:07:41] &lt;Mikaela&gt; I must probably try sometime
[21:08:00] &lt;Hasimir&gt; then there's the classics: the original Riftwar saga (Magician, Silverthorn and A Darkness at Sethanon)
[21:08:02] &lt;Mikaela&gt; if I live that far
[21:08:29] &lt;Mikaela&gt; i should probably write these names down somewhere
[21:08:43] &lt;Hasimir&gt; do *not* let the scummy hole of school let you fall into that trap ...
[21:09:06] &lt;Hasimir&gt; also, IRC logs serve as a good cheat sheet for the reading list ... ;)
[21:09:11] &lt;Mikaela&gt; it's also doctors and everything else than school
[21:09:17] &lt;Mikaela&gt; oh, yes
[21:09:22] &lt;Hasimir&gt; hang on, let's make this easier ... PM?
[21:09:55] &lt;Mikaela&gt; if you wish
[21:16:46] &lt;Mikaela&gt; Hasimir: oh and you might be interested in #books,##literature
[21:17:19] &lt;Hasimir&gt; oh my, I got into enough trouble when I stumbled onto ##chess ...
[21:17:27] &lt;Hasimir&gt; and then #lichess
[21:43:36] &lt;niko&gt; Mikaela: maybe there is more suitable channels for that than here
[21:46:37] &lt;Mikaela&gt; niko: for what?
[21:48:34] &lt;niko&gt; most of us are here for supybot/limnoria support etc, could you use another channel for your gender problem ?
[21:49:41] &lt;Mikaela&gt; our CoC has always allowed offtopic talking and this is the channel where I was always open even before I came out. There aren't also active support questions at the moment. You can find the link in ,,(topic get 1)
[21:49:43] &lt;Limnoria&gt; Help with using and developing for Limnoria, please see our CoC http://git.io/rh363Q
[21:50:04] &lt;Mikaela&gt; true, most of that has moved to ##abgilpqt+ after it was founded and this stopped being the nice channel of ~5 people
</pre>

Today it was nicely told me that it's not offtopic that is the issue, but
it's "my ranting" or in other words, me as I am not neurotypical or cis
or anything else that is wanted feature there. [Link to the CoC of that time.](https://github.com/ProgVal/Limnoria/wiki/CoC/ee9f12ec56159c618bec12f2df41a99596555c85)

I cannot read it any other way than that I am not wanted to the channel and
no matter how many people I have helped, my issues are bigger issue than
the good that I might have done.

My contributions to Limnoria git:

* OpenHUB
    * [Limnoria](https://openhub.net/accounts/Mikaela/positions/170403)
    * [Limnoria-doc](https://openhub.net/accounts/Mikaela/positions/170402)
* GitHub *after coming out*
    * [Limnoria](https://github.com/ProgVal/Limnoria/commits?author=Mikaela)
    * [Limnoria-doc](https://github.com/Limnoria/Limnoria-doc/commits?author=Mikaela)
* IRC
    * [\#Limnoria](https://koti.kapsi.fi/~mikaela/pisg/Limnoria.html)
    * [\#Supybot](https://koti.kapsi.fi/~mikaela/pisg/Supybot.html)

These statistics are generated with pisg which is dead and this "today" is
the day I left, 2015-03-25.

I had permission from @ProgVal who is founder on \#Limnoria and op on
\#Supybot to make these statistics and I haven't gotten any information
about not having that permission anymore.

<pre class="irclog">
2014-11-03 13:22:52      Mikaela        I just noticed that you have unloaded WebStats and I am missing some kind of statistics :(
2014-11-03 13:23:26      Mikaela        oh and do you have any reverse proxy for http://aperio.fr:7410/ and does Limnoria get the real IP?
2014-11-03 13:46:02      Mikaela        would you be OK with http://koti.kapsi.fi/~mkaysi/pisg/Limnoria.html ? pisg with most of things stripped in config
2014-11-03 16:40:29      pinkieval      WebStats is too resource consuming
2014-11-03 16:40:58      pinkieval      Mikaela | oh and do you have any reverse proxy for http://aperio.fr:7410/ and does Limnoria get the real IP? =&gt; I don't know what you mean, but I don't have a reverse proxy
2014-11-03 16:41:15      Mikaela        there is issue at github now
2014-11-03 16:41:40      Mikaela        and you skipped at least two lines
2014-11-03 16:42:03      pinkieval      I see
2014-11-03 16:42:10      pinkieval      Mikaela | would you be OK with http://koti.kapsi.fi/~mkaysi/pisg/Limnoria.html ? =&gt; yes
2014-11-03 16:42:49      Mikaela        :)
2014-11-03 16:42:49      Mikaela        I tried too remove things that would use bad pronouns, other files in that directory are bad
</pre>

## A little on my life currently

<-->

**TRIGGER WARNING: suicide, school bullying, transphobia**

I am 19 years old trans woman who also has Asperger's syndrome
studying <s>for vocational qualification in business information
technology</s> or would be studying if there wasn't one "small bullying
issue." I haven't been at
[Etelä-Kymenlaakso vocational college](http://ekami.fi/in-english) for
month and more.

It started some time ago when I went there and it was mainly in three
events on different days:

* Coming from school canteen someone said "hi Mikaela, you are beautiful"
  in one boy group where I have no idea who said it or who they even are.
* Going to school canteen someone of the same group said "hi" and I replied
  "hi" and I got third reply imitating my horrible masculine voice.
* The last time going to school canteen I went to nearby bathroom to
  \<if I understood correctly, trans people do so horrible things in
  bahtroom that I cannot write it here :P\> and I heard my name being
  shouted there multiple times. When I leeft it and went to canteen, I
  just ignored them and went to canteen normally and heard them shouting
  after me "ONKO SULLA MUNAT!" which in spoken (Finnish) language
  translates to "DO YOU HAVE TESTICLES?".

I informed this to school social worker and two teachers, but then I
learned that the school is unable to do anything as I have no idea who
the people are (what class or names). I was one day away and on then went
back for some time and got more and more anxious and stressful on what
if I saw the people somewhere or if they walke to canteen using the side
door that I had been using. Since then I have been unable to go anywhere
near Hamina.

There was one exception where I had scheduler appointment with the school
social worker and I went there with my mother, but the school social
worker was away with label on the door saying "if you had scheduled
appointment, please contact me using Wilma (place to message teachers 
etc.)" so we wasted time 50 minutes per trip from [Kotka] to [Hamina] and
[Hamina] to [Kotka].

[Kotka]:http://www.kotka.fi/en/residents
[Hamina]:http://hamina.fi/en/About%20Hamina

* * * * *

*Update:
[I graduated on 2015-05-29.]({% post_url 2015-05-29-graduation %})*

I would graduate in summer without this issue and the only thing I have
missing is work training. As I don't have work training place I was doing
it at school with some other students until the bullying started.

The work training didn't went too well as it felt like it was as far
from real work environment as possible, teacher giving some tasks that are
done in maybe 15 minutes and rest of time other people just playing games
and drinking energy drinks.

There is also another issue, me being scared of real work environment, but
nothing can be done to it now and the fear will just be moved to trouble
either my next school that I have thought to be
[KyUAS](http://www.kyamk.fi/Frontpage) (but it seems likely that I will
try to get to [Helsinki] or [Jyväskylä] and study there as people have
offered to help me find apartment either from there) or anywhere where I
will work in the future if I ever will.

[Helsinki]:http://www.hel.fi/www/helsinki/en
[Jyväskylä]:http://www.hel.fi/www/helsinki/en

The school also offered to also give remote tasks, but it was too late and
I don't feel like I can do anything anymore as the school hasn't done
anything to help the situation.

How does this affect me? As people say, bullying leaves eternal scars and I
am not someone who could stay away from school just for fun, I have talked
about suicide daily and I have also just been talked out of it for the
second time in two days. I don't believe I can live like this forever.

* * * * *

*This post has been edited after the original publishing, but you can find
the changes from the [commit log here](https://github.com/Mikaela/mikaela.github.io/commits/master/_posts/2015-03-25-leaving-bots-life.md).