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----
-layout: post
-comments: true
-title: "I am a bad person"
-category: [english]
-tags: [irc, english, life, depression]
----
-
-It's night again, but I seem to do all my blogging at night anyway and
-night and my feelings for this post which I had in todo list for longer
-time seem good for writing this and recent bad things I did just increase
-the need.
-
-**TRIGGER WARNING FOR WHOLE POST FROM HERE ABOUT EVERYTHING**
-
-* * * * *
-
-I broke ##abgilpqt+ at freenode. First I felt like they were wanting to
-change it into elitist queer channel which again was wrong and after
-discussing with the other co-founder and misreading their words on asking
-proposal from everyone and finding one that everyone accepts as proposing
-something that everyone would accept. It was also always channel for
-everyone.
-
-Pinkieval went to bed which I should also have done so I ended up clearing
-the acccess list and forcing the channel to be for everyone. After that
-events are unclear except that another op suggested that I could write
-my feelings to diary to avoid triggering people with these things.
-
-Things are again unclear for me, but I am somehow told that I don't
-identify as gender or sexual minority while I do identify as trans
-girl/woman (depeding on the space) and romantic asexual. I didn't got more
-explaining to this. I am also accused of manipulating people by threatening
-with suicide unless xyz happens. I don't know if I am doing this, I only
-want to fix everything by talking, but it's probably impossible and I am
-really doing this and some doctor has one said so too.
-
-I have broken the community and the channel will die as I have been like
-this. I am also understanding people even less every day and I am scared
-what will happen when I don't understand people at all, what I am.
-
-I now don't have any friends left and it's all my fault. The channel was
-also somehow keeping me alive and now I just have even less place where
-I belong.
-
-I have lso internalized cishetero normativity by just wishing that I was
-cis and neurotypial and someone could love me, but I am bad person.
-
-* * * * *
-
-Who would love possibly heteroromantic asexual anyway when she is also
-trans and autistic? I am only wishing  that someone would do romantic
-things to me, but would I be able to show my feelings or show my
-feelings to possible partner anyway? I would just be parasite.
-
-I have left other communities too without breaking them, but on some
-I have been told that I shouldn't dominate those with me and that I need
-professional help.
-
-I accept the need of professional help now and I am on sick leave and
-there is referral to somewhere pending, but I have no idea when anything
-is going to happen.
-
-* * * * *
-
-There are also many other things in my past, but they are too horrible to
-be written here. I was bullied in all school levels since kindergarden and
-even there, but I was bad enough to deserve it. I don't even deserve to
-live, but I am not allowed to die either, but I hve no hope. Even if I
-wrote about it, there would be no forgiveness, but if I can get over this
-block and say it
-
-`2015-04-09 04:11:48+0300 < Mikaela> the thing that is not said is that in junior high school one bully wasn't in lesson for one rason than another and my friend wasn't there either and I told the friend more homehork than there really was so I would know if they had tod the bully them and they didn't and just did more work and I had also told them to not tell the bully`
-
-it's said so maybe I can also say other things