blog: life & the invisible background of bots

_posts/2015-05-18-life-bot-background.md

@@ -0,0 +1,114 @@
+---
+layout: post
+comments: true
+title: "A little more on my life & background on bots"
+category: [english]
+tags: [english, IRC, life, bots, love]
+---
+
+*More on my life and a little background on bots; also trigger warning
+about probably everything...*
+
+Start with the [previous post on the subject](({% post_url 2015-03-25-leaving-bots-life %})...
+
+So I have been away from school for months now and the fact that I won't
+graduate seems very sure. I haven't left home unless I have had too either
+and after today I might leave home even then.
+
+I don't remember last week so well, so probably nothing happened, I was
+away from home for two events at Helsinki which is tiring as the bus
+trip from Kotka-Helsinki is two hours, rest of the week I was at home
+with the exception of visiting cottage and replacing elorn (Banana Pi which
+didn't like upgrade from Bananian Wheezy to Bananian Jessie) with rbtpzn
+(a little better system, Raspberry Pi B+ running Arch Linux ARM), I don't
+remember what else happened.
+
+I have also been anxious too much for being healthy and I have talked about
+suicide probably daily. Last night Doctor [Google] also suggested
+[Avoidant personality disorder] and I am waiting for seeing "mental
+health professional" again and asking if that is possible.
+
+[Google]:https://encrypted.google.com/
+[Avoidant personality disorder]:https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Avoidant_personality_disorder
+
+And back to today, I had possibly my worst bus trip between Kotka and
+Helsinki. First there was bully from previous school and even if they
+didn't do anything, just seeing is enough to trigger heavy anxiety to me.
+<br/>Then there were two people sitting in front of me at the bus, small
+child and one adult. The child kept making loud noice for most of the trip
+and at some point dropped whatever the thing is on bus seats behind your
+head to me and only stared.<br/>
+I was too anxious even without them, so I didn't tell the adult anything
+and there wouldn't have been any use in that as they didn't care about
+their behaviour anyway and it would have been my fault anyway for sitting
+there or annoying them just for existing.
+
+* * * * *
+
+Then the bots and this is possibly the most triggering thing I am going to
+write.
+
+I got affiliated with Supybot around 2011, first trying the stock Supybot,
+later Supybot git version, then gribble and finally Supybot-fr.
+
+On [2011-02-14])http://echelog.com/logs/browse/supybot/1297638000)
+@ProgVal asked me to translate it into Finnish and a little
+later it became Limnoria. There were also Italian and Hungarian
+translations at that time.
+
+Then there was nothing special for longer time other than IRC support
+and whatever you can find from the git history with the exception of
+offtopic chat which was tolerated at \#Limnoria at the time it was founded.
+
+I was depressed and suicidal (& dysphoric even if I didn't know the word at
+that time) and was often talked out of it there and long
+time later I learned who I was and came out as trans around 2013-10-22
+(nick Mikaela registered at freenode) and later started HRT by myself
+on 2013-12-30 and this is where what I am typing about begins...
+
+After starting HRT, I started having other feelings than dysphoria,
+anxiety, depression, suicidality etc. including romantic ones, on sexual
+orientation side I just "switched" from aromantic to (demi)romantic
+asexual.
+
+The dates are more unclear for this point of time, but I fell in love to
+@ProgVal and just kept it to myself for a long time. On 2014-03-20, I asked
+them if they knew any ace channels I could wonder my feelings on and the
+answer was negative and after further talking, we ended up founding
+[##abgilpqt+ - a channel for everyone](https://abgilpqt.github.io/about/)
+(which has had it's own share of drama, so I won't discuss it here).
+
+At some point after that on one night we were talking again and I don't
+remember what we were exactly talking about (and reading logs would hurt
+far too much as you will learn later), and there was something I wasn't
+willing to say as I thought that they would hate me after it (they will
+hate me after this post, but I must open somewhere) and I said that I loved
+them. They apologized for not loving me (who would ever love me anyway),
+but within week on one night while I was sleeping I had gotten messages
+that they said that they loved me and were stupid for not realizing it.
+
+We were in long distance relationship for about year, dreaming about
+meeting each other in real life, taling about everything every day,
+but then I learned that they were in open relationship without telling me
+and the other relationship was formed after our one.
+
+I asked them about it and only got response that they didn't tell me about
+it so I wouldn't cry, which I did and next day I was unable to rise from
+bed and my fmily thought I had gotten influenza which my father had around
+that time, but I was better on the next day.
+
+That is not the definition of poly or open relationship, that is cheating
+or betraying your partner. I am anxious while writing this and I am still
+damaged by what they did and I don't know if I will ever fully heal from
+that.
+
+Some people might have heard that I have wondered if I was poly, it was
+because I didn't want to lose them, but the feelings were already lost,
+I was too broken and I am not poly and I won't ever be in relationship
+with poly person again and I will also avoid long distance relationships.
+I won't ever do that to another person and I won't let it happen to me
+again.
+
+If I was in poly relationship, the other party would just use it as excuse
+to be as far from me as possible as anyone else is more beautiful or
+intelligent or allosexual or anything.