From 4bc89e60c1567decef0d5eb032a7981d1bc5d2b1 Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001 From: Mikaela Suomalainen Date: Thu, 9 Apr 2015 04:06:23 +0300 Subject: [PATCH] death --- _posts/2015-04-09-i-am-bad-person.md | 75 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 1 file changed, 75 insertions(+) create mode 100644 _posts/2015-04-09-i-am-bad-person.md diff --git a/_posts/2015-04-09-i-am-bad-person.md b/_posts/2015-04-09-i-am-bad-person.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..f9eba8b --- /dev/null +++ b/_posts/2015-04-09-i-am-bad-person.md @@ -0,0 +1,75 @@ +--- +layout: post +comments: true +title: "I am a bad person" +category: [english] +tags: [irc, english, life, depression] +--- + +It's night again, but I seem to do all my blogging at night anyway and +night and my feelings for this post which I had in todo list for longer +time seem good for writing this and recent bad things I did just increase +the need. + +**TRIGGER WARNING FOR WHOLE POST FROM HERE ABOUT EVERYTHING** + +* * * * * + +I broke ##abgilpqt+ at freenode. First I felt like they were wanting to +change it into elitist queer channel which again was wrong and after +discussing with the other co-founder and misreading their words on asking +proposal from everyone and finding one that everyone accepts as proposing +something that everyone would accept. It was also always channel for +everyone. + +Pinkieval went to bed which I should also have done so I ended up clearing +the acccess list and forcing the channel to be for everyone. After that +events are unclear except that another op suggested that I could write +my feelings to diary to avoid triggering people with these things. + +Things are again unclear for me, but I am somehow told that I don't +identify as gender or sexual minority while I do identify as trans +girl/woman (depeding on the space) and romantic asexual. I didn't got more +explaining to this. I am also accused of manipulating people by threatening +with suicide unless xyz happens. I don't know if I am doing this, I only +want to fix everything by talking, but it's probably impossible and I am +really doing this and some doctor has one said so too. + +I have broken the community and the channel will die as I have been like +this. I am also understanding people even less every day and I am scared +what will happen when I don't understand people at all, what I am. + +I now don't have any friends left and it's all my fault. The channel was +also somehow keeping me alive and now I just have even less place where +I belong. + +I have lso internalized cishetero normativity by just wishing that I was +cis and neurotypial and someone could love me, but I am bad person. + +* * * * * + +Who would love possibly heteroromantic asexual anyway when she is also +trans and autistic? I am only wishing that someone would do romantic +things to me, but would I be able to show my feelings or show my +feelings to possible partner anyway? I would just be parasite. + +I have left other communities too without breaking them, but on some +I have been told that I shouldn't dominate those with me and that I need +professional help. + +I accept the need of professional help now and I am on sick leave and +there is referral to somewhere pending, but I have no idea when anything +is going to happen. + +* * * * * + +There are also many other things in my past, but they are too horrible to +be written here. I was bullied in all school levels since kindergarden and +even there, but I was bad enough to deserve it. I don't even deserve to +live, but I am not allowed to die either, but I hve no hope. Even if I +wrote about it, there would be no forgiveness, but if I can get over this +block and say it + +`2015-04-09 04:11:48+0300 < Mikaela> the thing that is not said is that in junior high school one bully wasn't in lesson for one rason than another and my friend wasn't there either and I told the friend more homehork than there really was so I would know if they had tod the bully them and they didn't and just did more work and I had also told them to not tell the bully` + +it's said so maybe I can also say other things