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@ -6,143 +6,6 @@ category: [english]
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tags: [irc, english, life]
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---
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<!--
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Today I decided to leave all communities that had anything to do with bots,
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mainly because of the Limnoria channels.
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If you have followed Limnoria's channels for longer time, you know how
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it has gotten less tolerant of discussions that are not related to
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Limnoria. It started escalating today as \#freenode had discussions on
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issues with freenode's staffers and while one issue was resolved, @ncoevoet
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decided that it's best that they leave the channel as they are "unwanted".
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Below is the <s>problematic part of</s> discussion from 2015-02-13:
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*Many people asked what happened fully so here it is.*
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*And people are telling me that this log is too long and they are unable
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to find the important part and the previous problematic part starts from
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`[21:43:36]`.*
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<pre class="irclog">
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[20:48:35] <Hasimir> hey Mikaela, how is the network command referred to in a plugin (like @network), is it supybot.network or config.network or something else?
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[20:49:00] <Mikaela> I have no idea what you mean
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[20:49:27] <Hasimir> basically I want to tweak a plugin to make a filename that refers to the network the bot is on
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[20:49:34] <Hasimir> so here ...
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[20:49:37] <Hasimir> @network
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[20:49:38] <Limnoria> freenode
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[20:49:48] <Hasimir> we get that
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[20:50:02] <Hasimir> but elsewhere, obviously something different
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[20:51:08] <Mikaela> @help network
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[20:51:08] <Limnoria> (network takes no arguments) -- Returns the network the bot is on.
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[20:51:22] <Mikaela> so probably always the network where you call that
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[20:52:04] <Hasimir> but doesn't indicate whether it can be called by a script in relation to a user if the bot is on 2 or more networks
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[20:52:41] <Mikaela> I have no idea what you are talking bout and I am currently the worst person who to ask support
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[20:52:47] <Hasimir> heh
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[20:52:50] <Hasimir> that's cool
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[20:53:10] <Hasimir> I'll leave that bit for now then ...
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[20:53:42] <Hasimir> and yeah, I'm trying to expand the gpg auth options to include a method which makes it easier for end user scripting
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[20:54:33] <Hasimir> i.e. a method where the end user has a constant url to grab an encrypted token from, etc. (like nano's eauth and everify combo)
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[20:55:24] <Mikaela> I have no coding skills as you might remember
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[20:55:44] <Hasimir> actually, I'd kinda forgotten, my bad
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[20:56:15] <Mikaela> sorry, life is just being difficult again
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[20:56:29] <Hasimir> we'll manage ...
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[20:57:34] <Hasimir> all I need to do is make the url/filename unique and there are other ways
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[20:58:20] <Mikaela> it's that day tomorrow and I am crying because of it and Ialso was in arguing about intersex people and those surgeries
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[20:58:22] <Mikaela> me: it should be waited for intersex person to be old enough to decide what is the best for them
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[20:58:24] <Mikaela> they: doctors should decide the best possible action (that always translates to either cutting as girl unless there is enough material for boy)
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[20:58:26] <Mikaela> and the still didn't listen to me or click my links and there are really bad things in them
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[20:58:41] <Mikaela> " When he was 12, Bruce was given female hormones so his body would feminize. Then, at 18, he prepared for a vaginoplasty -- "designed to allow me "to have sex with my husband." "
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[20:59:17] <Mikaela> it's so much pain to be in body with wrong hormones and parts and they cut people without asking them to cause them that pain
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[20:59:38] <Mikaela> and while they are doing that, we must fight to be able to get the treatment we need
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[21:00:01] <Mikaela> I have had thoese around ten self-castration and suicide attempts, but are doctors doing nything? no, I had to be on illegal HRT for year
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[21:00:38] <Mikaela> and now they are not giving me papers to get myself legally recognized so when I graduate, I am unable to apply for next school
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[21:00:55] <Hasimir> aye, and there is a lot more variation than what society would call normal than most people think or suspect
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[21:01:31] <Hasimir> and endochrinal issues are ... complex
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[21:01:34] <Mikaela> I still haven't meet anyone normal
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[21:01:44] <Hasimir> neither have I ;)
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[21:02:00] <Mikaela> but how I know this society, those people who make my school pain are normal
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[21:02:21] <Mikaela> I must use backdoor to canteen to even be able to get there without being shouted transphobic things
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[21:02:48] <Hasimir> but then I did take the name of a character described as a genetic eunuch as my handle ... albeit a sneaky and politically adept one
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[21:03:26] <Mikaela> I don't think I know that character
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[21:03:39] <Hasimir> from Frank Herbert's Dune
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[21:03:55] <Mikaela> oh, I see, I haven't read that
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[21:04:10] <Mikaela> I have lately been reading just The Wheel of Time and I am in prologue of book 10
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[21:04:15] <Hasimir> really good book, I highly recommend it
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[21:04:45] <Hasimir> oh lord, the Wheel of Neverending Time in which one fight lasts for 3 days and 7 volumes ;)
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[21:05:43] <Hasimir> but if you love your fantasy novels ...
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[21:06:03] <Hasimir> the Fionnavar Trilogy by Guy Gavriel Kay is an absolute must read
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[21:06:09] <Mikaela> nothing else triggering in it than me hoping that some things would happen to me and there are some negative things there, but mostly it's just women thinking that the only thing men ever do is gossipping and men thinking the same about women
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[21:06:11] <Mikaela> :D
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[21:06:13] <Mikaela> yes, I love fantasy
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[21:06:36] <Mikaela> I just feel it differently nowadays and if something particulary touching happens, I might cry
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[21:06:42] <Hasimir> also the Chronicles of Amber by Roger Zelazny (whose novel, Lord of Light shared the 1968 Hugo award with Herbert's Dune)
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[21:06:58] <Mikaela> one example could be The Hunt Records by Tamora Pierce (if I recall the name correctly)
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[21:07:12] <Hasimir> then you'll really love Guy Gavriel Kay's work
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[21:07:16] <Mikaela> doesn't sound familiar either
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[21:07:41] <Mikaela> I must probably try sometime
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[21:08:00] <Hasimir> then there's the classics: the original Riftwar saga (Magician, Silverthorn and A Darkness at Sethanon)
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[21:08:02] <Mikaela> if I live that far
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[21:08:29] <Mikaela> i should probably write these names down somewhere
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[21:08:43] <Hasimir> do *not* let the scummy hole of school let you fall into that trap ...
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[21:09:06] <Hasimir> also, IRC logs serve as a good cheat sheet for the reading list ... ;)
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[21:09:11] <Mikaela> it's also doctors and everything else than school
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[21:09:17] <Mikaela> oh, yes
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[21:09:22] <Hasimir> hang on, let's make this easier ... PM?
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[21:09:55] <Mikaela> if you wish
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[21:16:46] <Mikaela> Hasimir: oh and you might be interested in #books,##literature
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[21:17:19] <Hasimir> oh my, I got into enough trouble when I stumbled onto ##chess ...
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[21:17:27] <Hasimir> and then #lichess
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[21:43:36] <niko> Mikaela: maybe there is more suitable channels for that than here
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[21:46:37] <Mikaela> niko: for what?
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[21:48:34] <niko> most of us are here for supybot/limnoria support etc, could you use another channel for your gender problem ?
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[21:49:41] <Mikaela> our CoC has always allowed offtopic talking and this is the channel where I was always open even before I came out. There aren't also active support questions at the moment. You can find the link in ,,(topic get 1)
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[21:49:43] <Limnoria> Help with using and developing for Limnoria, please see our CoC http://git.io/rh363Q
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[21:50:04] <Mikaela> true, most of that has moved to ##abgilpqt+ after it was founded and this stopped being the nice channel of ~5 people
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</pre>
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Today it was nicely told me that it's not offtopic that is the issue, but
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it's "my ranting" or in other words, me as I am not neurotypical or cis
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or anything else that is wanted feature there. [Link to the CoC of that time.](https://github.com/ProgVal/Limnoria/wiki/CoC/ee9f12ec56159c618bec12f2df41a99596555c85)
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I cannot read it any other way than that I am not wanted to the channel and
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no matter how many people I have helped, my issues are bigger issue than
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the good that I might have done.
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My contributions to Limnoria git:
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* OpenHUB
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* [Limnoria](https://openhub.net/accounts/Mikaela/positions/170403)
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* [Limnoria-doc](https://openhub.net/accounts/Mikaela/positions/170402)
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* GitHub *after coming out*
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* [Limnoria](https://github.com/ProgVal/Limnoria/commits?author=Mikaela)
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* [Limnoria-doc](https://github.com/Limnoria/Limnoria-doc/commits?author=Mikaela)
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* IRC
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* [\#Limnoria](https://koti.kapsi.fi/~mikaela/pisg/Limnoria.html)
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* [\#Supybot](https://koti.kapsi.fi/~mikaela/pisg/Supybot.html)
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These statistics are generated with pisg which is dead and this "today" is
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the day I left, 2015-03-25.
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I had permission from @ProgVal who is founder on \#Limnoria and op on
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\#Supybot to make these statistics and I haven't gotten any information
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about not having that permission anymore.
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<pre class="irclog">
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2014-11-03 13:22:52 Mikaela I just noticed that you have unloaded WebStats and I am missing some kind of statistics :(
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2014-11-03 13:23:26 Mikaela oh and do you have any reverse proxy for http://aperio.fr:7410/ and does Limnoria get the real IP?
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2014-11-03 13:46:02 Mikaela would you be OK with http://koti.kapsi.fi/~mkaysi/pisg/Limnoria.html ? pisg with most of things stripped in config
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2014-11-03 16:40:29 pinkieval WebStats is too resource consuming
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2014-11-03 16:40:58 pinkieval Mikaela | oh and do you have any reverse proxy for http://aperio.fr:7410/ and does Limnoria get the real IP? => I don't know what you mean, but I don't have a reverse proxy
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2014-11-03 16:41:15 Mikaela there is issue at github now
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2014-11-03 16:41:40 Mikaela and you skipped at least two lines
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2014-11-03 16:42:03 pinkieval I see
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2014-11-03 16:42:10 pinkieval Mikaela | would you be OK with http://koti.kapsi.fi/~mkaysi/pisg/Limnoria.html ? => yes
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2014-11-03 16:42:49 Mikaela :)
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2014-11-03 16:42:49 Mikaela I tried too remove things that would use bad pronouns, other files in that directory are bad
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</pre>
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## A little on my life currently
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<-->
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@ -224,6 +87,3 @@ about suicide daily and I have also just been talked out of it for the
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second time in two days. I don't believe I can live like this forever.
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* * * * *
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*This post has been edited after the original publishing, but you can find
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the changes from the [commit log here](https://github.com/Mikaela/mikaela.github.io/commits/master/_posts/2015-03-25-leaving-bots-life.md).
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@ -1,9 +1,9 @@
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---
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layout: post
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comments: true
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title: "A little more on my life & background on bots"
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title: "A little more on my life"
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category: [english]
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tags: [english, IRC, life, bots, love]
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tags: [english, life, love]
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---
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*More on my life and a little background on bots; also trigger warning
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@ -45,105 +45,3 @@ I was too anxious even without them, so I didn't tell the adult anything
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and there wouldn't have been any use in that as they didn't care about
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their behaviour anyway and it would have been my fault anyway for sitting
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there or annoying them just for existing.
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<!--
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* * * * *
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Then the bots and this is possibly the most triggering thing I am going to
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write.
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I got affiliated with Supybot around 2011, first trying the stock Supybot,
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later Supybot git version, then gribble and finally Supybot-fr.
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On [2011-02-14](http://echelog.com/logs/browse/supybot/1297638000)
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@ProgVal/pinkieval asked me to translate it into Finnish and a little
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later it became Limnoria. There were also Italian and Hungarian
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translations at that time.
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Then there was nothing special for longer time other than IRC support
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and whatever you can find from the git history with the exception of
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offtopic chat which was tolerated at \#Limnoria at the time it was founded.
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I was depressed and suicidal (& dysphoric even if I didn't know the word at
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that time) and was often talked out of it there and long
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time later I learned who I was and came out as trans around 2013-10-22
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(nick Mikaela registered at freenode) and later started HRT by myself
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on 2013-12-30 and this is where what I am typing about begins...
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After starting HRT, I started having other feelings than dysphoria,
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anxiety, depression, suicidality etc. including romantic ones, on sexual
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orientation side I just "switched" from aromantic to (demi)romantic
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asexual.
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The dates are more unclear for this point of time, but I fell in love to
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@ProgVal/pinkieval and just kept it to myself for a long time. On 2014-03-20, I asked
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them if they knew any ace channels I could wonder my feelings on and the
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answer was negative and after further talking, we ended up founding
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[##abgilpqt+ - a channel for everyone](https://abgilpqt.github.io/about/)
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(which has had it's own share of drama, that I won't discuss here).
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At some point after that on one night we were talking again and I don't
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remember what we were exactly talking about (and reading logs would hurt
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far too much as you will learn later), and there was something I wasn't
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willing to say as I thought that they would hate me after it (they will
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hate me after this post, but I must open somewhere) and I said that I loved
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them. They apologized for not loving me (who would ever love me anyway),
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but within week on one night while I was sleeping I had gotten messages
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that they said that they loved me and were stupid for not realizing it.
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We were in long distance relationship for about year, dreaming about
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meeting each other in real life, taling about everything every day,
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but then I learned that they were in open relationship without telling me
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and the other relationship was formed after our one.
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I asked them about it and only got response that they didn't tell me about
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it so I wouldn't cry, which I did and next day I was unable to rise from
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bed and my fmily thought I had gotten influenza which my father had around
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that time, but I was better on the next day.
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That is not the definition of poly or open relationship, that is cheating
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or betraying your partner. I am anxious while writing this and I am
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still damaged by what they did <s>and I don't know if I will ever fully
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heal from that.</s> *I did, I am over them and don't feel pain when I
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hear their name or something related to them.*
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Some people might have heard that I have wondered if I was poly, it was
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because I didn't want to lose them, but the feelings were already lost,
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I was too broken <s>and I am not poly and I won't ever be in relationship
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with poly person again</s> and I will also avoid long distance
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relationships. I won't ever do that to another person and I won't let it
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happen to me again.
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<s>If I was in poly relationship, the other party would just use it as
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excuse to be as far from me as possible as anyone else is more beautiful or
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intelligent or allosexual or anything.</s> *That is not how it works.*
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*Times change, I strikethroughed some of the text above and wrote the part
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below during September. What happens will happen in the future, if it
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does. Below is how I introduced myself at the poly channel I was able
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to find.*
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<pre class="irclog">
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<Mikaela> Hi, I think I might be poly. I have bad experience with my ex in long distance relationship as I found out they were in another relationship and they didn't tell me anything about it, because (they change the reason) "I thought you would accept it" or "I didn't want to make you cry". I have since gotten over them and recently thinking and I don't know, maybe I am poly. I am having difficulties finding good
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<Mikaela> material that is meant to potentially poly people and I am a little lost with words and I think "open relationship", while being umbrella term, would describe me the best. From what I have understood the most important thing is COMMUNICATION and making rules with future partners, isn't it so? Is there anything I should especially read? I m currently not in relationship
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<Mikaela> which possibly makes things easier as long as I discuss this with potential partners?
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<Mikaela> (sorry, it seems I wrote longer wall of text than I intented)
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<person1> Wait... Mikaela?
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<person1> Hihi Mikaela
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<Mikaela> I didn't expect to see you at freenode and the last time I have talked with you it was just about how much that ex had hurt me and I think I had also made request that you didn't talk about anything poly to me, but people change
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<Mikaela> hi
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<person1> People do
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<person2> sometimes there's a reason an ex is an ex. :p
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<person1> Well I've been here a few months now, I think since April
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<Mikaela> it took someone to point me as it not being only about me, but freedom of partner too and then long discussions everywhere including asexual peer support group where someone else was in poly relationship
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<Mikaela> yes, cheating is a good reason and also them being totally uncommunicable nowadays
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<person1> I would have tried but I respected your want for me not to speak of poly stuff
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<Mikaela> I also wasn't over the ex at that time so I wouldn't have listened to you
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<person1> Mmm, it was quite some time ago
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</pre>
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*The log has been edited a little afterwards and reference to third person
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has been removed.*
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-->
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Loading…
Reference in New Issue